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If you haven’t lost any of the pounds you swore to by swimsuit season, you might be tempted to throw in the towel and put off your dreams of weight loss till next year. However, there’s no time like the present to start eating and living healthier!
Look at the calendar: June is already drawing to a close. And if you have yet to start losing that weight you initially said you’d drop before swimsuit season, you’re in good company. Like many others, you may figure that there’s no point in going through the hassle of beginning a new fitness regimen at this advanced date. After all, it’s too late to start making a difference in your weight or your shape this summer, right?
Wrong. In fact, there’s never been a better time to start losing weight.
Many people assume that because it’s already the middle of the summer, they’ve missed their opportunity to achieve their weight loss goals. The truth is, though, they haven’t.
It’s a common issue: summer has a way of sneaking up on all of us. During chilly March, bare arms and legs are probably the last thing on your mind—and if your summer shape does cross your mind, you figure that you’ve got three whole months to work on things. April rolls around, but you’re still not feeling the urgency; after all, there are still two months to go!
And then suddenly, you have an “Oh, crap” moment. Because somehow Memorial Day weekend has come and gone, and you haven’t even started working on your summer weight loss goal. At this point, you think, Well, heck. I missed my chance. Now, the game becomes avoiding the pool, and trying (unsuccessfully) to force your summer clothes to conceal your love handles as well as the winter ones did.
I know that as you stare July in the face, it can seem like you’re past the point of no return in the summer weight loss department. However, I urge you not to let an “It’s too late” feeling keep you from working toward those goals you set in March. For one thing, it’s always a good time to get healthier. But more to the point, summer practically rolls weight loss opportunities out on a silver platter. Instead of seeing this as the end of your pound-shedding aspirations, you should look at it as the beginning!
It’s true. Although you might not see it now, there’s never going to be an easier time to start the journey toward looking and feeling your best. To start changing your attitude and your strategy, read on for some of my tips:
Take advantage of the great outdoors. All right, so maybe the prospect of exercising is never going to make you drop everything, jump up and down, and squeal with glee. That said, it doesn’t have to be torture, either—and let’s face it, the setting in which you work up a sweat can make a huge difference in whether or not a fitness habit takes hold. Which would you choose: a cluttered, stinky gym, or a green, open park?
Summer is the perfect time to really make exercise a part of your daily routine. For one thing, the weather is warm, so outdoor exercise is much more fun—especially in the milder mornings and evenings. Also, the days are longer and sunnier, so you’re probably in a better mood than you would be in the depths of winter. Lastly, there’s a much smaller chance that you’ll be knocked out of commission by a sore throat or runny nose. Remember, there is no better fat burner than an active lifestyle!
Let your summer diet work for you. To a large extent, the weather outside determines what goes into our mouths. During the colder months, fresh produce is more limited, and we instinctively gravitate toward more substantial (and fattening!) comfort foods like casseroles and fried dishes to warm us from the inside out. Simply because of the menu, starting a successful weight loss program in the winter can be doubly difficult.
However, the opposite tends to be true at this time of year. It’s hot outside, and there are so many delicious fruits and vegetables available in the grocery store and at farmers’ markets. I don’t think anyone believes that a slice of watermelon and chicken straight off the grill will go to your hips and stay there—quite the opposite, in fact. And the best news is, you’ve still got two or three months of summer eatin’ left.
Wear those shorts anyway! It might sound counterintuitive at first, but forcing yourself to wear weather-appropriate clothes in public—regularly—will probably help your self-esteem, not hurt it. Chances are, you’re your own worst weight critic, and once you realize that your bare arms and legs aren’t causing strangers to gape, you’ll realize that things aren’t as dire as you made them out to be after all.
When you see yourself—and your weight loss—as an utter failure, it’s much harder to work up the motivation to try to turn things around. Admit it—you’ve probably had that “What’s the point?” moment, and decided to throw in the towel. However, if you realize that you’re normal, changing your health habits isn’t quite as daunting.
Acknowledge the flaws of fad diets. Despite your initial impulses, it’s important to avoid the temptation of turning to fad diets. Be honest: if you’d actually started Mission Swimsuit in March like you’d initially planned, you’d have probably jumped on board with the latest miracle diet that promised to melt the pounds. Maybe you’re still tempted to do so. However, fad diets usually aren’t healthy, and they’re not a long-term fix.
The body can’t lose fat as quickly as many people expect it to, so these rigid diets actually promise something your body isn’t built to deliver. Furthermore, they cause psychological deprivation: your mind feels deprived and becomes preoccupied with the foods you’re avoiding. So even if you trick yourself into thinking that subsisting on celery and kale is a good idea because there are still six weeks left in summer, you’ll be back at the drive-through window sooner or later—and any temporary success you experience won’t last.
Be aware of the dieting company you keep. In many ways, our society revolves around eating. We have working lunches, dinners with friends, and coffee dates, just to name a few. And even if you don’t realize it, chances are you tend to mirror the eating habits of the people you spend the most time around.
I’m not saying you need to completely avoid folks who constantly have their hands in a bag of chips. Just be conscious of your hands if they also start straying toward the snacks. Ideally, try to schedule non-food-centric time with friends who tend to get you off track…or offer to host and prepare the meal yourself! After all, the weather’s perfect for cookouts and dining al fresco.
Lose weight like you brush your teeth. In order for weight loss to be effective and lasting, it has to become a lifestyle, not a temporary task. (And as we’ve already established, eating well and exercising are most easily accomplished now!) Essentially, you’ve got to stop worrying so much about the results and focus on the process.
Losing weight ought to be like brushing your teeth. You don’t get preoccupied by what the toothpaste and floss are actually doing to your teeth. You just trust that if you perform healthy behaviors, you’ll get the desired results. It’s the same with losing weight—if you focus on the behaviors of eating well and being active, the body will take care of the rest.
Nix the “now or never” notion. Yeah, the necessity of appearing poolside in your bathing suit can definitely give you weight-loss tunnel vision. However, it’s important to remind yourself that getting fit is primarily about long-term health, not about looking svelte in a bikini.
No matter what season it is—or when the pounds actually start to drop off—the bottom line is that you’re doing yourself an immense favor by choosing to change your lifestyle. And look at it this way—even if you’ve barely dropped one pant size by Labor Day, you’ll continue to progress if you stick with the habits you started earlier in the summer. Come next June, you’ll be thanking yourself for kick-starting new habits now.
So you see, the summer is not lost after all! You can start to look at the big picture (the rest of your life) and take one step at a time toward permanent weight loss and fitness. Remember, it doesn’t matter how you do it or how long it takes you to get to the finish line—as long as you do. So get out there and start instituting a new set of fitness habits. This summer can be the beginning of a leaner, healthier you!
~~~~
About the Author:
Dr. Lavinia Rodriguez is a clinical psychologist and an expert trained in treating eating issues and weight problems. For more than 30 years, she has observed how people set themselves up for failure through unrealistic diets and exercise programs, as well as through buying into out-and-out scams designed to take advantage of individuals who seriously want to improve their health and lives. She is concerned about people being misled regarding the most effective ways to lose and manage weight over a lifetime.
Over the years, Dr. Rodriguez has treated many people, has written articles on the subjects of eating disorders in particular and weight loss in general, and has written a book titled Mind Over Fat Matters: Conquering Psychological Barriers to Weight Management.
Mind Over Fat Matters: Conquering Psychological Barriers to Weight Management (iUniverse, 2008, ISBN: 978-1-4401-0228-8, $14.95) is available at bookstores nationwide and through major online booksellers.
ANTI-AGING PRODUCTS; WHAT EVERYONE SHOULD KNOW
by Angela Mulvey
June 6, 2010
Expert Reveals Tips for Buying Anti-Aging Creams
Angela Mulvey knows exactly how you feel.
She was a consumer who tried just about every anti-aging product -- some of them very expensive -- and she couldn’t find what she was looking for.
So, she created her own. Angela, CEO of U and I Cosmetics -- the company behind the Zsa Zsa line of anti-aging cream (www.uandicosmetics.com) -- thought it would be nice if there was a line of anti-aging creams that actually worked, but didn’t cater exclusively to the wealthy. Along the way, she discovered some of the ways the global giants in the business formulated and marketed their products, and thought consumers might like to be in the know about how to tell the bad products from the good ones.
“It can be very confusing, and a very expensive education, if you are trying to find a product that works for you,” she said. “The fact is, we are all like butterflies -- we’re all different. Men and women who are looking for anti-aging solutions can sometimes be swayed by clever marketing, but we should all remember that there is no one-brand-fits-all product. What works for me may not work for you, but the dividing lines between something that could work and something that can be invisible for those who haven’t done the research. I’ve done the research for myself, and I’ve learned a lot.”
Angela’s tips include:
Look for High Concentration of Active Ingredients -- Many products on the market will tout they have the highest concentration of active ingredients in their formula, but it’s not always so. I recommend a 3 to 4 percent concentration, as compared to the products that contain a 1 or 2 percent concentration. When used over a long period of time, the higher percentage concentrations typically deliver the better results.
Make sure the product does not contain Paraben -- Paraben is a preservative used commonly in many cosmetics, and for a long time, it was thought to be an effective ingredient to keep a product fresh. However, many recent studies suggest that Paraben could play a role in allergic reactions, breast cancer and even hormonal imbalances. A Paraben-free cream is just safer, in my opinion.
Look for Specific Ingredients -- Read the label before you buy, and scan for ingredients like Fiflow BTX, Snap-8 and Leuphasyl, which represent some of the more recent scientifically-proven anti-aging compounds. Also look for Swiss apple stem cells, a new anti-aging compound that has been used by First Lady Michelle Obama and Jennifer Lopez, and credited with helping them both look younger.
Don’t Be Sold by a Pretty Package -- Many anti-aging products are expensive not because of the quality or amount of product you buy, but because of the packaging. Angela, a veteran graphic designer, knows her way around package design, so she was able to use less expansive recycled materials to give her line a pretty package without the high cost associated with it. Her advice is to remember that you’re not buying a package -- you’re buying something to make you look and feel younger.
“It doesn’t have to be expensive to work,” Angela added. “Our products aren’t bargain priced, but you don’t have to have a trust fund to afford them. Whatever choice you make, examine what it is you are getting in return for the price you are paying. If it works, then you’ve got a winner. If it doesn’t, really examine the next product you buy.
Ask questions at the cosmetics counter and don’t let the salesperson push you into buying something you’re not convinced will work. It may take a little trial and error, but if you adhere to these tips, your chances of finding something that works for you will be better.”
Eight Key Ways to Fight When You Receive a Cancer Diagnosis - Thousands of people are diagnosed with cancer every day. The decisions they make from the very start are critical not only to their survival, but for the overall outcome of their quality of life. Here are eight ways to cope with a diagnosis from day one.
“You have cancer.” They are the three words that you hope you never have to hear—yet, at some point in your life, you may. And whether the diagnosis is for you or someone you love, those words will change your life forever. Amid the shock and waves of grief, anger, and sadness there will be decisions to make, appointments to book, and lives to rearrange. It’s an intimidating prospect, but—despite your fear and exhaustion—you won’t have the luxury of hiding under the covers and hoping it all goes away.
This is the message I want cancer patients and their loved ones to hear: there’s no time to waste. The decisions you make early on may very well mean the difference between life and death—so be sure you are the one making them.
When people are diagnosed with cancer, their inclination is often to turn their lives and treatment options over to the healthcare industry. After all, they are the “experts.” But it’s just not that simple. This is happening to you, not to them. And for the most part, you are your own best advocate.
You—the patient or the loved one of the patient—must take part in many decisions, ranging from choosing a cancer treatment center and oncology team to deciding upon a treatment protocol. If it’s not a major investment of your time and effort, you’re probably not as engaged in the process as you should be.
You just can’t turn away from the diagnosis and expect it to disappear. The best option is to face it head on. A poorly devised and executed cancer attack plan can cost you much more than just time. When it’s the fight of your life, for your life, you have to make sure that you are doing everything possible to get the best care for you and your family members from the very beginning. You may not realize it, but you have many options.
I know about the subject of cancer—and its ramifications—all too well. In 2006, I lost my husband after a two-year battle with cancer. We trusted the wrong medical treatment facility and team for the first five months of our fight to save Gordon’s life and never recovered from that—even after finally finding the right treatment facility, and even though he was young (43 years old) and in otherwise good health. In my second book about surviving grief—The Losing of Gordon: A Beacon Through the Storm Called “Grief” (Cancer Lifeline Publications, 2009, ISBN: 978-1-4392649-3-5, $15.95, www.griefbeacon.com)—I tell the inspirational story of my own rebuilding after losing my husband.
So, what insights do I give people (and their families and friends) facing the fight of their life against cancer? Read on for eight ways that you can begin coping with cancer:
Admit that you and your family are in crisis. When you hear the word “crisis,” it typically conjures images of natural disasters and third-world countries—not something that is the result of a day at the doctor’s office. However, no matter how small a scale, a crisis is a turning point, one that denotes a pivotal change in your life. A diagnosis of cancer is just that. You have to come to terms with the fact that your life has now changed, and move forward knowing that even though things won’t be the same, your life will continue—and it must.
A cancer diagnosis is different from any other crisis that you may have been through before. It won’t go away; there is no quick fix. Being able to understand that will prevent you from wasting time with denial. Move forward, even if you start with baby steps. And whatever you do, do not stick your head in the sand and ignore the situation. Instead, focus on staying strong and in control.
Remember that knowledge is power. When you are faced with a terminal illness, there are so many things that are simply unknown to patients and their caregivers. The best remedy for feeling “armed and ready” during your fight with cancer is to equip yourself with information—a lot of it.
Most patients and their families tend to defer to their doctor without realizing that they actually have a say in all decisions. Insist from the beginning that your medical team be direct and forthcoming with all information. Pay close attention at doctor’s appointments, ask for multiple recommendations, and stay grounded. You need to clearly understand your options, the side effects, and future concerns. After all, this is your life at stake.
Keep in mind that there is no preset treatment for any type of cancer, and every patient is different. Ask to be provided with copies of all medical tests and blood work. You may not understand every word, but you’ll catch a lot of the information and learn as time passes. Keep all documents organized in a file, so that if you need an additional consultation you’ll have everything that you need.
Make use of the gifts of those around you. Chances are the people in your own inner circle, your family, friends, neighbors, and coworkers, all possess individual talents and resources that can help you face your fight. For example, perhaps you have a relative with experience in the medical field who can help you navigate the hospital system. Or maybe your neighbor has a gift for organization and can help you keep up with your paperwork and appointments. People really want to help, so don’t be afraid to ask. You’ll be amazed at the talent and resources that are available to you—often right in your own family!
Many newly diagnosed cancer patients put their faith solely on the shoulders of their medical team. This includes shutting out other patients who have gone through treatment for that same type of cancer. Don’t! It’s productive to listen and learn before you decide what’s best for you. Ask your friends and family for their opinions, help, and guidance. Having the right support system at home is almost as important as having a top-tier medical team.
Don’t stop with the first opinion. At the onset of your diagnosis, it’s important to remember that nobody, not even your doctor, can know what will happen—good or bad. Plus, doctors are human, not superhuman, and they can send you down the wrong path. One of the biggest mistakes people make after a diagnosis is failing to get a second, third, or even fourth opinion on their diagnosis and treatment options. Even if you have to travel out of state or across the country, it’s worth the effort if it means getting the best possible care.
This is one mistake Gordon and I truly regretted after the original treatment failed. And because of that the cancer had grown out of control. We were sold a “bill of goods” and given expectations that had no real chance, because his cancer was too aggressive.We were originally told that after six months of radiation, chemo, and a stem cell transplant—poof—Gordon would be as good as new. It didn’t happen. His cancer was more aggressive than his treatments.
Be aware that every patient is different. You need a doctor and medical team who can “bob and weave” through whatever turn your cancer decides to take.
No one knows a patient’s “expiration date.” Cancer is very serious and you don’t want to live in denial. Yet, you also don’t need to assume the worst.If your doctor says the typical patient with your kind of cancer lives six months, that doesn’t mean you have only six months. Maybe you have nine months or two years or even more time ahead of you. The doctor doesn’t know for sure. Assuming she knows how long you have sets you up psychologically to live until that date and no longer—and since outlook is such a critical part of the battle, that could have dire consequences.
This is very easy to say and very hard to do, but I’m going to say it anyway: enjoy every day and keep your hopes high, and don’t focus on some imaginary deadline. Concentrate on the here and now and the things you can control. That way, no matter how long you end up living, the time will be worth living.
Commit to face the cancer battle together. A cancer diagnosis is challenging in many ways. It can tax you mentally and physically—and it can put a real strain on your personal relationships. You have to go into it knowing that neither you nor your partner will survive this trial without the other one. Studies show that patients with poorly managed anger and pain may feel stress, fatigue, anxiety, depression, and guilt. They may even withdraw from loved ones. Sometimes that will hurt you both, but your mutual understanding of what is happening can make all the difference.
You have to keep in mind that you are not in a normal situation. You can’t expect a normal relationship during this time. So practice forgiveness. Be patient. Lean on each other, and most importantly, take every opportunity to say the words “I love you.”
Remember, the patient has the final say. When you’re the patient, you’ll want to do everything in your power to fight your cancer and become a survivor. But there may come a time when it’s all too much, or when you don’t feel comfortable with a decision or treatment plan—and it’s okay for you to say no or ask for another opinion. Personal choice is critical in the fight against cancer, and keeping in mind that you have a choice can be both empowering and comforting.
Of course, when you’re not the patient, it can be very difficult to let go of your need to control the situation and make decisions for him or her.
Allowing a patient personal choice can be particularly hard for family members and friends. To them I would say this: offer your love and support, but unless the person is mentally incapable of taking part in the decisions, he or she should have the ultimate say. Otherwise, how will you live with the results, if you force your loved one and the outcome is not positive? You’re a team in the strange land of cancer. You must work together to strike a balance.
Realize that life does go on (if you let it). A cancer diagnosis changes everything about the way you live—your capabilities, your schedule, and your ability to make future plans. And quite often, this loss of freedom and flexibility is one of the most difficult aspects of the disease for cancer patients to cope with. That’s why it’s critical to live your life as normally as possible. Get up every day, go to work if you are able, and stay active and involved with your friends and family. Despite how you may feel initially, your life does not have to come to a screeching halt. Finding the right balance will keep your spirits high and your attitude positive. Part of this balance is leaving the “what ifs” and “if onlys” at the door.
So much of your success in fighting this battle is tied up in your attitude and mental state. If you let the cancer consume your life, you’ll begin to lose touch with that life you are fighting for. As long as you are aware of your own limits and boundaries, there is nothing wrong with getting out there and doing the things you love to do and that make you and your family happy.”
The overarching message in my book, The Saving of Gordon: Lifelines to W-I-N Against Cancer (Cancer Lifeline Publications, 2009, ISBN: 978-1-4392550-3-2, $19.95, www.thecancerlifeline.com) is this: you must be empowered, involved, and alert in your cancer decisions and treatment. You and your family must focus your time and attention on creating a battle plan and setting goals to win against your cancer—and every detail counts.
Finally, remember that while bad days are surely ahead, there will be good days, too. Cherish those good days; they’re what life is all about. And always keep your eyes on the proverbial prize: at every stage of the battle, holding on to the positive will make all the difference.
With all the partisan hype and distortions I have reflected back on what I think of as the real world I grew up in. My father was born in 1891 in Arkansas. His stepbrother, Fred dropped him on a farm implement when he was an infant and it pierced his kneecap. The health care system of the time treated the wound with alcohol and left it at that. If they had simply splinted his leg the worse that would have happened would have been that he would have had a stiff leg.
Unfortunately, the knee healed in a frozen 90-degree position. He learned to walk with a crutch and used a crutch all his life. Modern day medicine would have considered this a minor accident and even into his twenties the knee could have been repaired.
As a Youngman he got his first job agreeing to work free for the first month in a warehouse if he could not do the job as well as a two-legged man. He did very well and in fact was probably more efficiently than a two-legged man. He used his crutch to sort of pole-vault over the materials. He married in 1923 and in 1931 they discovered that their second son was deaf. Doctors advised them not to have any more children because they would all be deaf. They further advised them to send Thomas to the state school and forget him.
My father became an insurance executive and was recommended to be on the board of a major national insurance company in 1935. He was rejected on the basis that it would not look good to have a cripple on the board. This was at the time that FDR was president so this excuse was ironic. He told the company to shove it and organized a new insurance company on his own.
We lived in East Dallas where many of the houses had servant’s quarters in the back. Since servants had always been black during the depression these quarters were rented to Afro-American people. It was a strange form of integration. Willie and his family lived in back of our house. We were good playmates until we began school. I was a bit confused because I walked to school and Willie went some place else far away. People just told me don’t worry Willie goes to the “nigger school” he likes it.
My parents hired a tutor to teach my deaf brother and then they sent him off to the state school in Austin. This was the only option he had for school.
I joined the Marine Corps in WWII. Remember that even though we have been called the greatest generation we still discriminated against members of the armed service. That is, Afro Americans could not be mixed with whites and Asians in the Navy were all stewards. You will remember that it was Harry Truman that desegregated the services.
After the war my brother and I attended college. I went to SMU, KilgoreJunior College, Baylor and finally WashingtonUniversity in St. Louis. You might say I was a wandering student looking for a path to follow. My brother had only one option, Gallaudet in Washington, DC. That was the only place he could get a post-secondary education. Today deaf post secondary students have many options including Gallaudet and the National Technical Institute for the Deaf.
During the U-2 crisis I was at a debriefing with General Walker when he told us we had an over kill factor of ten so not to worry about the Russians their overkill was only about 2 or 3. By this he meant that we could kill everyone in Russia ten times and they poor people could only kill us twice.
That did not make sense then and it does not make sense now. When the Russians were asked why they kept making nuclear warheads after there was a disarmament agreement they said they needed to keep the people working. I suspect that was a reason for us building up our arsenal. At one time the USA had 60,000 nuclear warheads.
I have an adopted son from Ghana. He is a PhD microbiologist head of the department at a major university. In the 1940s he would not have been allowed to enroll in many of our universities and colleges. I have a grand daughter who has a congenital heart problem. Modern medicine has enabled her to be a wonderful young professional woman.
My paternal grandfather was a farmer. He probably had Alzheimer’s. He was completely impoverished in his last years. He had eleven grown children and they sort of took care of him before he died, but his medical services were minimal.
To my angry Tea Party friends who I believe are willing to rip the fabric of social justice in this nation apart the GOOD OLD DAYS were not so good.
To those of you who do not like the government I suggest you roll up your sleeves and work hard to make it work for all the people not just the fat cats.
Count your blessings before you close the door on the great society and fair deal for all. Ronald Reagan claimed Medicare would bankrupt the nation and bring us socialized medicine. Now the Tea Party advocates in a mad rage scream, “Keep your hands off my Medicare.”
What are the essential elements we need to have a caring and bountiful society? We contrary to popular belief are not over taxed.
The Best Medicine: Why Having a Circle of Friends Is Crucial for Caregivers
Facing the cancer battle of a loved one is a daunting task, especially when you’re a primary caregiver. During this difficult time, you can’t overestimate the importance of having the unconditional support of friends.
“Friends, you and me…you brought another friend…and then there were three…we started our group…our circle of friends…and like that circle…there is no beginning or end.”
~Eleanor Roosevelt
When you contemplate the significance of a circle, there are many associations that come to mind, including the phrase “circle of life.” In reality, circles have always had both spiritual and mystical significance, dating back to the beginning of time. Consider the circular shape of Stonehenge. Then look up into the sky and see the two spherical shapes of the moon and the sun.
Much closer to home than celestial orbs is our “circle of friends.” When you think about it, in this hectic time of work, work, work—well, friends are a rare commodity indeed. You see, friendships have to be nurtured or they’ll wither and fade. That takes additional work and a lot of heart, because there are times in life when friendships are tested and tried. When cancer invades your life or the life of a family member or friend, the true meaning of “friendship” becomes apparent. At no time in life are friends more valuable than when your world has been invaded by the shock and crisis of a life-threatening disease.
In 2004, my husband, Gordon, was diagnosed with cancer. In one day, my life changed completely. Thankfully, my friends didn’t. They were my “constant.” They were there to remind me that I was loved and that I was never alone, and they were there to make sure that my burden was never more than what I could bear.
There were many days when my friends literally kept me sane. The cancer years were full of agonizing struggles. I vividly remember one of the worst days, when Gordon’s first oncologist called me at work and told me that he had given up on my husband. I asked if we should seek treatment elsewhere. The doctor responded that it was now a “salvage operation.” And I fell apart. My friend Becky immediately came to my aid and helped me get out of the office. She calmed me enough so that I was able to make it home without hitting a tree. What would have happened, if she had not been there to support me?
Here are some suggestions for helping a friend during a traumatic cancer crisis:
Make sure that your friend is aware that you want to be helpful and involved. Having a friend who volunteers to help and upon whom a caregiver can depend is critical. This doesn’t mean that you have to be “clingy”—just call and visit often.
Don’t wait to be asked to bring things. People are sometimes too proud and self-sufficient to accept help when it’s offered, and sometimes they might be unable to articulate even to themselves what they need. If you’re going to visit, why not take a pot of soup, a casserole, or muffins along with you? These items can be frozen and used later if they are not needed immediately.
Consider a care package of staples. Flowers, cards, and other traditional “thinking of you” gifts will always be appreciated by caregiving friends, but keep in mind that the items caregivers need most are more mundane. Non-perishable food is always good to have on hand, or you could pick up a box of tissues, paper towels, or any item that tends to be used up quickly. You might also consider providing supplies for the patient: alcohol swabs, lip balm, unscented skin moisturizer, hand sanitizer, a warm blanket—all these things are inexpensive, but useful.
Friends have to be available for “consultation” 24/7. Emotions don’t keep regular working, or even waking, hours. No, you may not like that call in the middle of the night, but that might be the time your friend needs you the most. She might simply be unable to sleep, or she might be sitting up in the emergency room or the surgical waiting room at some unusual hours. Since those occasions are often unexpected, your friend will probably be alone—technically.Being a true friend means that you have your “available” sign on, no matter what time it is.
Aid is especially important when the patient is receiving treatment out of town. The patient’s needs and concerns, and those of his family, grow exponentially when it becomes necessary to leave home for treatment. Many new complications present themselves, such as mail that needs to be collected, pet care, and yard work. If these responsibilities are shared between dependable friends, the load becomes more bearable.
In my book The Saving of Gordon: Lifelines to W-I-N Against Cancer (Cancer Lifeline Publications, 2009, ISBN: 978-1-4392550-3-2, $19.95), I include a “Wall of Dedication to My Girls. This dedication came directly from my heart to all of the wonderful ladies who got me through the most trying times of my life. Since my situation ended tragically with the loss of Gordon, my friends formed the cornerstone of rebuilding my life without him.
I would not have been able to make it through had they not been there for me, unconditionally. I try to remember that every day and offer my support to others who may need help. “My girls” have become my daily inspiration.
Democrats won their health-care victory ugly, after a yearlong, fractious, uninspiring process filled with rancid deals and worse compromises, redeemed only by the moment when they actually delivered reform to the country.
Republicans lost even uglier, not so much in opposition as in sullen, lockstep refusal to consider any reforms, even ones they were previously for, like cutting waste and fraud from Medicare.
Which would you rather brandish at a town hall meeting? A vote to contain the insurance companies, or a vote to let them have their way?
The fixes that will take effect before the midterm election include bans on excluding children from coverage because of preexisting conditions and on canceling policies when someone gets sick. Dependents will be permitted to stay on a policy until they’re 26. A favorite Republican constituency, small businesses, gets help purchasing insurance for their employees. Seniors get $250 toward closing a loophole in their Medicare prescription-drug coverage.
After voters have their say in November, Republicans may look back on all the dire warnings they issued about certain defeat and realize they were talking about themselves.
Obama should reserve one thank-you note for WellPoint Inc.., which imposed a 39 percent rate increase on some policyholders in California. Until then, the focus had been on Republican predictions that the world would come to an end if Obamacare passed, not on the immediate hell should insurers continue on their merry way.
Wrong Prediction
As late as the Sunday morning television talk shows, hours before the showdown vote in the House, Republicans claimed they would prevail because of dug-in pro-lifers in the House.
What helped end that standoff were 59,000 nuns who came out in favor of reform, blunting the opposition of bishops just as the sexual-abuse scandal centered on the church’s male hierarchy returned to the news. Democrat Bart Stupak, who’d anointed himself king of the pro-life caucus by warning the new health- care system would subsidize abortions, sniffed dismissively at the sisters, saying he sometimes confers with bishops but doesn’t “call up the nuns” when he’s drafting legislative language.
At the very last minute, Stupak agreed to accept an executive order stating the status quo, a face-saving solution to his imagined problem.
Not for Kids
The debate over health care has left the body politic in critical condition. Congress has suffered such a steep decline in behavior that parents might want to leave their young ones at home to watch “Mr. Smith Goes to Washington” rather than take a spring pilgrimage to the nation’s capital.
Decorum has only gone downhill since Republican Representative Joe Wilson of South Carolina yelled “You lie” during the president’s address to Congress last September. It hit bottom with Republican Representative Randy Neugebauer of Texas shouting “baby killer” when Stupak spoke on the House floor.
At the Capitol, Republicans egged on militant crowds by waving “Kill the Bill” signs from a balcony. Thus inspired, some protesters spat on a black lawmaker and shouted a slur at a gay one.
Republicans are doubling down on their anger, vowing to challenge the legislative reconciliation process tooth and nail -- although their first challenge failed on Monday.
Burned at Stake
Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele accused the Congressional Budget Office of lying because its evaluation of the bill’s costs didn’t support his party’s line. Now the RNC is raising money through a Web site, www.firenancypelosi.com, that shows House Speaker Nancy Pelosi engulfed by flames like Joan of Arc burning at the stake.
Wilder than usual, conservative blogs and talk radio are comparing the bill to the Kansas-Nebraska Act of 1854, a proximate cause of the Civil War.
As for the most recent Republican standard-bearer, Senator John McCain told an Arizona radio station there’d be “no cooperation for the rest of the year.” After White House adviser David Axelrod called that attitude “OK on the sandlot,” McCain’s spokeswoman shot back, “that’s what strong, independent members do -- you’d know that if you had ever worked for one.”
Anger gives McCain a cover for dropping his effort at immigration reform, a cause that’s no longer helpful now that he’s got a primary challenge from the right. McCain is following the command of Senate Minority Leader Mithc McConnell, who told his members to agree with nothing Obama proposed, even if they liked it.
Blinded by Anger
That stance blinded Republicans to the fact that Obama long ago ruled out the single-payer system loved by many liberals in favor of working through the existing private insurance system. Republicans could have chosen to play a role in it.
If and when they have to govern again, sane Republicans will find there’s a cost to being pulled down to the level of the haters, since it undermines the ability to lead.
The Harris Poll today releases the results of an online survey of 2,320 Americans as the health-care battle raged. As John Avlon reported yesterday on the Daily Beast Web site, it found that 67 percent of Republicans believe that Obama is a socialist -- and that’s one of the more benign results.
Some 38 percent of Republicans say that Obama is “doing many of the things that Hitler did.” A stunning 24 percent say that Obama “may be the Antichrist.”
Maybe they will see they’ve gone too far. I can’t picture John Boehner campaigning against an Antichrist who gave Grandma a $250 rebate or let junior remain on his parents’ insurance policy until he finds a job. I bet Republicans leave the repeal drive to Rush Limbaugh, newly ensconced in Costa Rica -- where, to his dismay, he’ll find there’s universal health care.
The Best Medicine: Why Having a Circle of Friends Is Crucial for Caregivers
Facing the cancer battle of a loved one is a daunting task, especially when you’re a primary caregiver. During this difficult time, you can’t overestimate the importance of having the unconditional support of friends.
“Friends, you and me…you brought another friend…and then there were three…we started our group…our circle of friends…and like that circle…there is no beginning or end.”
~Eleanor Roosevelt
When you contemplate the significance of a circle, there are many associations that come to mind, including the phrase “circle of life.” In reality, circles have always had both spiritual and mystical significance, dating back to the beginning of time. Consider the circular shape of Stonehenge. Then look up into the sky and see the two spherical shapes of the moon and the sun.
Much closer to home than celestial orbs is our “circle of friends.” When you think about it, in this hectic time of work, work, work—well, friends are a rare commodity indeed. You see, friendships have to be nurtured or they’ll wither and fade. That takes additional work and a lot of heart, because there are times in life when friendships are tested and tried. When cancer invades your life or the life of a family member or friend, the true meaning of “friendship” becomes apparent. At no time in life are friends more valuable than when your world has been invaded by the shock and crisis of a life-threatening disease.
In 2004, my husband, Gordon, was diagnosed with cancer. In one day, my life changed completely. Thankfully, my friends didn’t. They were my “constant.” They were there to remind me that I was loved and that I was never alone, and they were there to make sure that my burden was never more than what I could bear.
There were many days when my friends literally kept me sane. The cancer years were full of agonizing struggles. I vividly remember one of the worst days, when Gordon’s first oncologist called me at work and told me that he had given up on my husband. I asked if we should seek treatment elsewhere. The doctor responded that it was now a “salvage operation.” And I fell apart. My friend Becky immediately came to my aid and helped me get out of the office. She calmed me enough so that I was able to make it home without hitting a tree. What would have happened, if she had not been there to support me?
Here are some suggestions for helping a friend during a traumatic cancer crisis:
Make sure that your friend is aware that you want to be helpful and involved. Having a friend who volunteers to help and upon whom a caregiver can depend is critical. This doesn’t mean that you have to be “clingy”—just call and visit often.
Don’t wait to be asked to bring things. People are sometimes too proud and self-sufficient to accept help when it’s offered, and sometimes they might be unable to articulate even to themselves what they need. If you’re going to visit, why not take a pot of soup, a casserole, or muffins along with you? These items can be frozen and used later if they are not needed immediately.
Consider a care package of staples. Flowers, cards, and other traditional “thinking of you” gifts will always be appreciated by caregiving friends, but keep in mind that the items caregivers need most are more mundane. Non-perishable food is always good to have on hand, or you could pick up a box of tissues, paper towels, or any item that tends to be used up quickly. You might also consider providing supplies for the patient: alcohol swabs, lip balm, unscented skin moisturizer, hand sanitizer, a warm blanket—all these things are inexpensive, but useful.
Friends have to be available for “consultation” 24/7. Emotions don’t keep regular working, or even waking, hours. No, you may not like that call in the middle of the night, but that might be the time your friend needs you the most. She might simply be unable to sleep, or she might be sitting up in the emergency room or the surgical waiting room at some unusual hours. Since those occasions are often unexpected, your friend will probably be alone—technically.Being a true friend means that you have your “available” sign on, no matter what time it is.
Aid is especially important when the patient is receiving treatment out of town. The patient’s needs and concerns, and those of his family, grow exponentially when it becomes necessary to leave home for treatment. Many new complications present themselves, such as mail that needs to be collected, pet care, and yard work. If these responsibilities are shared between dependable friends, the load becomes more bearable.
In my book The Saving of Gordon: Lifelines to W-I-N Against Cancer (Cancer Lifeline Publications, 2009, ISBN: 978-1-4392550-3-2, $19.95), I include a “Wall of Dedication to My Girls. This dedication came directly from my heart to all of the wonderful ladies who got me through the most trying times of my life. Since my situation ended tragically with the loss of Gordon, my friends formed the cornerstone of rebuilding my life without him.
I would not have been able to make it through had they not been there for me, unconditionally. I try to remember that every day and offer my support to others who may need help. “My girls” have become my daily inspiration.
THE ROOT CAUSE OF STRESS – MAYBE NOT WHAT YOU THINK
by Scott Sheperd
March 18, 2010
Dr.Rachel Remen wrote in her book My Grandfather's Blessings, "Perhaps the root cause of stress is not overbearing bosses, ill-behaved children, the breakdown of relationships. It is the loss of a sense of our soul. If so, all the ways in which we have attempted to ease stress cannot heal it at the deepest level.
Stress may heal only through the recognition that we cannot betray our spiritual nature without paying a great price. It is not that we have a soul but that we are a soul."
What a powerful perception. I have thought for a long time we have trivialized the whole concept of stress, especially with the "manage your stress" mantra. I keep saying that going to a class to learn how to manage your stress is like going to a class to learn how to be organized with your misery. We need to rethink our approach not just to stress but to life itself. I agree with Remen. Stress is more than just stuff out there. It reflects a relationship with life that is deep and it is profound.
And the idea of our "being a soul" doesn't, in my opinion mean that we have to turn into a fundamentalist "whatever". I hate that we seem to get stuck in the idea of either/or. Either you're an atheist or a fundamentalist. Who says? I don't believe that the idea of reconnecting to our soul means we have to believe in any particular religious dogma. If it helps fine, but it isn't necessary in my opinion.
And it also doesn't mean that we can't talk about psychological things and behavioral things that we can do to help us with the stress issue. When I worked as a therapist I looked at those psychological and behavioral issues all the time. I think they can be helpful. But if that is all we do and we neglect our spirit, our soul, we are like a technically great concert pianist who just doesn't seem to "get it" on the deeper level.
I think what we need to do is put the fragments back together. We are a soul that has splintered. We are Humpty-Dumpty and we are looking for "all the kings' men" - the superficial cures - often cloaked in psychological and religious terms to put us back together again. We seem reluctant to do the work ourselves.
This work, I believe should be on rediscovering our integrity. Most of us think of the word integrity in relationship to the idea of being an honest person. But there is a much deeper meaning. Integrity refers to a wholeness. It is about being whole, of having our pieces together, of being honest and true to ourselves.
Feeling tense, harried, put upon etc. is not what stress is - at least the stress that I, and I believe Remen, are talking about. It is about being fragmented and not knowing which way to go. Because we are fragmented we have lost our way.
And what makes it worse is that there a lot of people out there who will tell you they know the way - - for sure - - no doubt about it. You don't have to think anymore or explore. Just follow like sheep. In fact I believe that if someone gives you suggestions and those suggestions begin with the word "Just". . . Just stay positive. Just let go and let God. Just believe in yourself" ...start running away as fast as you can.
You don't have to turn into little Sigmund Freuds, but you have to be willing to get involved in your own life. And getting involved is more than a "just." You have to be willing to experience your life. You have to be willing to be open so that you can experience your life. Someone once said that the most important thing we can do is wake up. Perhaps waking up will help us put our soul together again. Perhaps.
It “could be pure theater,” Vice President Joe Biden said the day before the health-care summit at the White House debuted.
Thanks, Joe, for repeating a Republican talking point like a lovable but irascible child who tells the neighbors precisely what mommy and daddy warned him not to say to anyone.
At the opening of the bipartisan confab yesterday, President Barack Obama respectfully disagreed, saying he was looking for ways to proceed together and not engage in “political theater.” It was the Washington version of the Olympics, a performance with a difficulty of 10, a ticking clock and a chance of salvaging the bronze in a race in which the gold was lost in the opening trials long before.
The president started strong. Basic courtesy demanded that Republicans rise when he entered. Around the room he went looking magnanimous, a word here and there, a man-hug to Senator (and doctor) Tom Coburn of Oklahoma, one of the Republicans he’s bonded with.
As hard as Republicans worked to reduce the home-court advantage, they couldn’t. Obama’s the president and they’re not. He called them Eric, John and Mitch. They called him Mr. President. House Republican Leader John Boehner of Ohio tried to level things by dictating the shape of the table as if the forum were the 1973 Paris Peace Accords, the Democrats the Viet Cong and whoever sat at the head of it were in charge.
Shape of Table
Exactly what shape would the table have to be to make people think Boehner was president?
Republicans complained about being in Blair House instead of the White House, about the room being too small, about Obama’s new proposal being too short, the old bill too long (Virginia Representative Eric Cantor stacked it in front of him to make that point). Then there was the rank injustice that, counting the president’s opening statement, Democrats got more talking time. All this grumbling before any real differences were discussed.
There was a repeated exchange over whether premiums would rise or fall under Obama’s plan. Using facts, Obama said they wouldn’t rise. Using vapors, Republicans insisted they would. They wouldn’t answer the question of whether this meant they were rejecting the nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office analysis they cite when it buttresses their position.
Lexus or Honda
The CBO reported that premiums would stay about the same, or slightly decrease. To say some people might upgrade their policy and pay more is to confuse a consumer durable with insurance. I might buy a Lexus instead of a Honda if I get a better job, or the cost of a Lexus came down, but that doesn’t mean someone raised my auto costs.
When Obama turned the floor over to Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell of Kentucky, he wisely turned the microphone over to the more congenial Senator Lamar Alexander of Tennessee. When he ran for president, the placid Alexander’s trademark was an exclamation point after his name to connote the excitement he lacked.
Since becoming chairman of the chamber’s Republican Conference, Alexander has taken on a much sharper edge. Renounce, he told Democrats, any idea “of jamming” a health- care bill “through in a partisan way.” By that, he means the use of reconciliation, a process allowing legislation to pass with 51 votes rather than a supermajority of 60, which Republicans have demanded for almost every bill since Obama was elected.
Reconciliation Reversal
Republicans have used reconciliation more than 20 times in recent years, including to push through legislation such as President George W. Bush’s tax cuts. Now they say it’s tantamount to fascism.
Alexander also warned the president to lower his expectations. “If you are waiting for Mitch McConnell to roll in a wheelbarrow in here with a 2,700-page Republican comprehensive bill, it’s not going to happen,” he said.
This goes to the Republican demand that the president start over on health care with a blank page, perhaps to decrease the disadvantage of having nearly a blank one themselves. Starting over is code for quitting. Fixing the massive dysfunction in an industry that accounts for 17 percent of the U.S. economy requires specificity and legislative language. A several- thousand-page bill isn’t a bad thing.
Only once did the president show frustration. Citing a variety of “special deals” and “special interests” that he said were catered to in the Democrats’ health-care legislation, Senator John McCain of Arizona, Obama’s opponent in the 2008 presidential election, said, “What we got is a process that you and I both said we would change in Washington.”
‘Election Is Over’
Obama might have been hungry (it was close to lunchtime). Maybe there came a limit to his professorial tolerance. The president dropped his polite pose. “We are not campaigning anymore,” he said. “The election is over.”
McCain shot back with his trademark nervous laugh, “I am reminded of that every day.”
There was no “you lie” moment yesterday, but plenty of rudeness. As the meeting ground on, the president was stuck listening to speakers who treated facts as malleable. If they think premiums will go up, they will. If they deny an essential fact of insurance as Democratic whimsy -- that the bigger the pool, the wider the risk is spread, the lower premiums will go - -- it must be so.
Not that nothing was accomplished. The viewing audience learned that Republicans must say no to Obama because they want to say yes to the insurance giants, to let them merrily roll along without meaningful federal regulation, you know, like Wall Street has for the past ten years.
Last week marked 18 months since my husband’s death.An anniversary no one wants to experience, the day came and passed and left me with questions without answers.
Am I unwilling to heal?Have I defined myself by my grief?Do I feel that healing and happiness and finding new love again will mean our love is fading?Has grief become a grim replacement for my beloved Stanley?
Kahlil Gigran wrote: ‘When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.’
Will there come a day I can mark on the calendar as ‘healed’?Will I know on that morning?Will I awaken with joy in my heart?When I let myself laugh with no reservations, when laughter brings tears of joy, will that be the day?
I took the call in September 2003.I listened, concentrating as though my life depended on it, to the doctor’s words:‘Treatable, aggressive, recurrent, 4 or maybe 5 years’.
The doctor left it to me to tell him.Who better to deliver the diagnosis?
From that moment on, we had an unspoken agreement to believe in a cure, to hope that he would live longer than was possible.Denial became a part of our every day.It was our daily dose of hope.We knew the truth, but speaking of it, admitting it was to prematurely invite death into our fragile lives.
Never underestimate the power of denial when living with incurable disease.
But, even though I tried to live and love and enjoy and forget, grief began on that day.I still don’t know how to shake it, how to live without it.It still defines my waking up in the morning and drifting off to sleep at night.
On our last night, I spoke to him quietly and rested my hand on his arm for hours.And then our life together was over, ‘til death do us part’ occurred just past midnight on July 18, 2008.He became deceased and I became a widow.
Today, the grief is less, the pain is tolerable, days are beautiful.But I have questions about how to get from here to somewhere else.So I asked the world wide web:how long will this be hurt?, how long do I live as a widow?,when will life become bigger than death?Out of 6 billion humans, you’d think someone would have the answer.
I am not a deeply religious person, but this seemed like the time to explore.For months I spoke prayers of acceptance, prayers of belief in a higher power, prayers of healing.But one day I realized that I was still pretty pissed off at God for taking my Stanley.I haven’t figured out how to forgive Him for ripping my love from my life.
Although my overly analytical mind has not found peace in religion, I’d still like to leave that door open for future exploration.Because, who knows?
So, then I considered professional counseling.Someone trained to listen to woes and recommend ways to ‘deal’ with grief.I assume a counselor will tell me that what I feel is normal, tell me to take care of myself, tell me to reach out to friends, make new friends, to schedule activities outside of my regular routine.Tell me to be patient.If this didn’t work, they would have some chemicals I could ingest which would smooth out the lows and the highs and make the transition easier.
So I take care of myself, when I cry I tell myself that is normal, I reach out and do things with new friends.But when it comes to chemical assistance, I don’t want to dull my senses.
You see, the truth is I don’t want to lose the pain because in some perverse way, I believe it keeps our love alive a little longer. The truth is, I don’t want to sleep a dreamless sleep, because when I see him in my dreams, I can touch and smell and hear his voice and the cost of tears in the morning is a small price to pay.
I was standing in line in our local post office one day. I had apparently arrived just in time for the noon crush as there were about as many people in front of me as there would soon be behind me.
People were talking politely to each other as they waited in line, not so much because they were interested in what their fellow waiters had to say but rather as a means of passing the time until the next shout of "Next" would be uttered and we'd all shuffle one more foot in front of us.
I had the package that I was mailing resting on the counter in front of me and anyone standing next to me could read the return address label if they were so inclined. Apparently the woman behind me was so inclined and commented on the label.
The label consists of a picture of my handsome youngest son, with our return address, and the words Forever in our Hearts emblazoned on it. "Is that your son?" inquired the woman behind me.
Smiling, as I always do when looking at my son's handsome face, I averred that this was indeed my son. "Was he a casualty of the war?" the woman asked me in earnest.
"Yes, he was," I replied, already fighting the tears that were beginning to spill from my eyes.
"I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to upset you" the kindly woman offered, patting my shoulder with a hand that I could tell had experienced many years and probably a lot of sadness. You don't grow old without experiencing the best and worst that life has to offer.
"Thank you," I smiled through my tears. "He was a wonderful son and grandson and good friend to all. He was a skilled Paramedic and a compassionate, caring and kind RN. He loved his animal companions. We're so lost without him."
"These wars," the lady went on, "are taking our best and brightest. When will this madness stop?"
"Was he in Iraq or Afghanistan?" she inquired, because these are the only wars that she could comprehend someone as young as my son being in.
"No, he wasn't in either place," I responded "but the war he fought had everything to do with Afghanistan. He didn't have to be there to suffer the consequences of Afghanistan's involvement in the lives of ordinary, every day Americans."
I explained further as the woman appeared very concerned and somewhat perplexed about this strange war that involved my son. "My son," I told her, "fought a different kind of war. He waged battles every day, sometimes winning little victories, but more often than not falling victim to this war - the so-called drug war"!
I could see that I was making this woman uncomfortable. To someone of her generation, wars were fought with guns and uniforms and on foreign soil. She didn't understand this new kind of war. I explained to her that my son fought this war every day for 14 years, taking great pride when he thought he had overcome the enemy and conversely suffering greatly when he had to face that he had succumbed once again.
I assured the woman that I was in no way comparing my son's personal war to all the brave men and women who have lost their lives in other wars. But the loss of a child is felt just as greatly whether it's from a personal war or a world war.
Our son managed to become that Paramedic and Nurse, and buy his own home and rescue animals from the street or the pound. We rejoiced in his every victory and were demoralized by his every defeat. We knew that Addiction was his illness, that it was not the essence of him.
You might say my son was in the Volunteer Army because he did indeed enlist in this war of his own volition. But he joined at the tender age of 17, when a band mate offered him a line of cocaine for his 17th birthday.
My son was immediately addicted and there was no turning back. He was a good kid with a bad disease - the disease of addiction. Scientists are discovering a lot about the human brain. They now know a lot more than they did when my son made that first fatal mistake that led to this 14 year long battle. I'm no expert but I've also learned a lot and I know that a large part of the problem is about the dopamine, or lack thereof. It is not a moral failure.
Our government's so-called War on Drugs is an abysmal failure. It is too lucrative for many of the government agencies for them to really eradicate this problem. We're spending billions of dollars on the war in Iraq and Afghanistan yet we're ignoring the big war that is taking our children down by the thousands upon thousands here at home.
So yes, my son did die in a war. It might not fit your definition of a war, but it was an ugly war waged against himself, one that he fought every day of his life for all those 14 years. The only way for him to be discharged from his own personal war, was on a gurney in an Emergency Room where he lost his final battle.
Why the Secret to Happiness Has Been in Your Head All Along
Many of us feel out of focus, out of whack, and out of the loop more often than we’d like to admit. Here’s why that’s the case—and what you can do to return to your natural (that’s right!) state of balance and happiness.
America was founded on the shining ideals of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Well, we’re alive, we’re free (in theory, anyway)…but are we happy? Let’s examine the evidence. Exhibit A is the mountain of anti-depressants and anti-anxiety pills we take every year. And Exhibit B is the overworked, overstressed, overextended lifestyles we live—lifestyles that are, ironically, at odds with happiness itself.
So what’s the verdict? No, we’re really not happy. And that’s too bad. Our brains are actually wired for happiness. So…why are we so miserable?
The fact is, most of know why we’re unhappy—we just lack the tools to get ourselves where we want to be. We know which actions we should take, but we feel powerless to actually enact them.
(Okay, so scrap the “liberty” ideal also!)
In other words, we know we’re eating too much or drinking too much or damaging our kids with our anger or letting a controlling spouse squelch our dreams. Yet, we accept those negative and harmful behaviors in ourselves. Maybe we figure, Hey, it’s because I’m under so much stress. Or maybe we assume, like Popeye, that “I yam what I yam.”
It’s not true. You really can change those things about yourself that make you miserable. But plain old willpower won’t cut it.
Good intentions have failed you before, and they will again. If you want to make lasting changes, you’ve got to go to the source—you’ve got to rewire your brain and re-pattern the way it works! And in fact, the new science of brain synchrony proves that the brain is more changeable than we ever thought possible. Your bad habits can be broken and rewired more productively.
And no, I’m not talking about brainwashing. I’m talking about consciously exploring and redirecting your brain patterns—a process that has been scientifically proven to be effective. Curious? Then read on to learn how the key to happiness has been in your head all along.
• So, why is it so darn tough for people to change? Think about it this way: You can block a riverbed and dam up the waters, but once they’re released, they’re not going to flow in a different direction—they’re going to flow through the same old channel. Your brain, and how it directs your behaviors, is similar. Due to a mix of genetic factors and external conditioning, you are locked into a set of habitual and automatic attitudes, thoughts, and behaviors. And trigger A will almost always lead to result B, unless you take specific steps to redefine what B is.
You might want to cut back on your candy bar consumption or to stop going ballistic every time your kid leaves his room messy, but wanting to stop isn’t enough. In order to make those changes, you literally need to carve new channels, new neural pathways, in your brain.
• So how do I change my brain? Good news: New research has revealed that the brain never stops changing and adjusting! Repetition and new experiences (whether they are physical, emotional, or mental) literally reshape the brain’s soft tissue—a quality known as neuron-plasticity—and revamp the areas of your life with which you’re dissatisfied.
Generating new and/or creative thoughts can change neuronal pathways, releasing the hold old patterns have on us. It’s important to note, though, that neuron-plasticity in and of itself doesn’t effect change. It is through the focused attention of mind training that new reactions and habits are formed.
• Mind training? What’s that? There are four brainwaves: beta, alpha, theta, and delta. Ideally, they should all work together in harmony, but one often dominates the others. This leads to dysfunctional thoughts and habits, and “negative feedback loops” of behavior. Mind training—a not-so-flaky form of meditation—helps you to focus on and become aware of each of these four brainwaves, thus triggering the neuron-plastic function of the brain.
Bringing your brain waves out of whack and into synchrony is a key component of really improving your life. By becoming truly aware of your thought processes and emotional responses, you will become better able to identify why unhappiness persists in your life and what you need to do to correct that!
• But I don’t have time to meditate. I have to work 12-hour days just to pay the bills! Bingo! That’s probably part of the reason you’re unhappy. The high-pressure job you have to work to pay for the big house and new car and gym membership is sucking up all your energy and perpetuating a pace and intensity that’s the very antithesis of the mental quality that leads to true happiness.
Western culture is intense, fast-paced, and goal-driven. It creates an automatic drive that can get locked into our brain circuitry. And I’m not saying to quit your job and move into an ashram. I’m not even saying to move to a smaller house and take the bus—though that’s not necessarily a bad idea. What I am saying is to rewire your brain to break the hold of the automatic circuitry that’s making you miserable.
We are all wired for what will make us happy. And what we really want is not success and fame—it’s peace, kindness, and happiness. Fulfillment does not come from attaining your desires in the outer world, but from embracing your inner self, which is the real source of your greater identity and peace of mind. You need to be comfortable with yourself as you are, not as how society tells you to be.
Drug abuse is not a disease that affects “others,” nor is it relegated to the poor inner city residents.Drug abuse – and to be perfectly clear, when I say “drugs,”this includes alcohol, whether it be beer or champagne and everything in between – is taking our children from us; the rich, the poor, the educated,all ethnicities, colors, religious persuasions, and genders.In short, all of us are victims of this insidious scourge.
Nobody wakes up one day and decides to be a drug addict or alcoholic. Yet no one escapes the tentacles of addiction.Like an octopus it reaches its deadly arms around us and squeezes the very life out of all of us.
Whether you’re an addict or have a child who’s an addict or someone else in your family is an addict or even someone you don’t even know in your community is an addict, this disease still affects us all.
Consider this excerpt, taken from “Join Together,” From the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse (CASA) at Columbia University, written by Sharon Smith of Momstell:“Substance use disorders are problems that affected over 22 million people in the United States (SAMHSA, 2007 National Survey on Drug Use and Health). The financial costs of this disease are not only for treatment and health care, but also for legal and incarceration costs, and for the loss of productivity.
These costs have grown to approximately $1 trillion dollars per year in the United States (Alcohol Abuse, December 2008). We all pay whether or not someone in our family has the disease.”
So when we think that just because our child is not addicted and therefore addiction doesn’t affect us, we need to think again. Addiction is an equal opportunity destroyer of lives and communities.
The ages of the children who are experimenting with drugs or who are heavily involved with drugs are getting younger and younger. Whereas, the average child’s first experience with hard drugs used to be around age 16, today, children as young as 10 and 11 are being introduced to this scary world.
And it is indeed a scary world. Where we once felt confident that our children were safe in school, we’re now having our beliefs and illusions shattered.Children are learning about drugs in the classroom, the school yard, and on the school bus in addition to other places.
But what is our government doing to combat this epidemic?Well, in all its infinite wisdom, it has chosen to drastically cut the funds allotted for anti-drug programs, including the Safe and Drug-Free Schools program.
We can’t sit back and let this happen. Children have to learn about the evils of drugs and addiction from parents and teachers; because they’re surely learning how wonderful drugs are from the purveyors of them.
Children are impressionable. They’re also malleable. If we can reach them early enough, we can inculcate them in the dangers of drugs and mold them back into the innocence that they’re rapidly losing.
We must teach our children that our biggest concern is not just drugs but the consequences of drugs. And that consequence is addiction. Taking drugs at such a young age is akin to playing Russian roulette.
According to extensive studies done by the Partnership for a Drug-Free America, the brain doesn’t fully mature until approximately age 25.Yet kids are doing drugs and their brains are being rewired.The longer they do them, the more irrevocable the damage is.They’re destroying their brains before they’ve really had a chance to live.
So, what’s a parent to do? I wish I had a sure-fire solution, but I couldn’t even save my own son.But there’s more information out there today on drugs and addiction than there was back in 1987 when my son took his first hit of cocaine.
The internet is chock full of information.Our family doctors know more about addiction today. More and more people are discussing this epidemic openly.Read all you can about addiction; be alert for all the signs of drug use.
Have “the talk” about drugs before your child reaches 5th grade.Not a lecture, but a back and forth discussion – open, and honest.And do it regularly. This can’t be a one time thing. Read books about drugs together, watch TV shows about addiction together. Address this as a life-threatening situation because believe me, it is.
You don’t want to join the ranks of the bereaved mom, and we don’t want you in our club. I miss my son with every beat of my heart.His suffering is over – ours endures.
Impress upon your child – Doing drugs is easy. Stopping drugs is hard – and sometimes the only cure for addiction – is death.
Perhaps you’ve noticed: Every day is a raging hurricane of stress. You get up early, herd the (uncooperative) kids out the door, and rush to work, where you scramble to complete projects that were due two days ago. All the while you’re consumed with worry—about the economy, the layoffs rumored to be in the works, how you’ll ever find the time to do your holiday shopping. Eventually you leave an hour and a half past “quitting time” (Remember when that quaint old phrase meant something?) and race the clock once again to get all the evening chores done before “bed time.” (There’s another set point that keeps changing!)
You’ve tried your best to “de-stress” your life, but it seems for every stressor you eliminate, three more pop up in its place. (The dryer’s broken, daycare tuition’s increasing, and—perfect!—you just remembered you have to buy a birthday present for your niece’s party this weekend.)
You’re thinking about it all wrong. Maybe rather than trying to outrun the stress hurricane, you need to find a way to dwell calmly inside its eye.
Eliminating stress from your life sounds good in theory, but it just doesn’t work. What you can do is change how you respond to the inevitable stressors that pop up. You can find a tranquil “Home Base” that you can return to quickly and easily when you feel yourself getting stressed.
In other words, it’s time to stop running from stressful situations and learn how to dance with them when they do show up. That means changing your mind…literally.
Essentially, our minds can become trapped by the automatic patterns and reactions upon which they rely. That’s why any time a triggering event occurs, you spiral into a frantic or depressed state. You’ve unwittingly “trained your brain” to react this way—and simply willing yourself not to spiral won’t work. The good news is that you can deliberately rewire your brain and break this pattern.
New research has shown that the brain is capable of changing and growing at any age—a quality called neuroplasticity. If you invest time in learning how to train your mind, you will be better able to focus your attention, quiet a scattered mind, and access the kind of mental flexibility and clarity that enables you to see other options.
Quite literally, you will alter the brain’s neuronal connections and circuitry that are responsible for your emotions, behaviors, and perceptions. And whether you realize it or not, those three things—your emotions, behaviors, and perceptions—are as much to blame for your stress as your schedule, your boss, and your bank account.
Intrigued? Then read on to learn how mind training can work to help you manage and reduce your stress levels, and why you shouldn’t wait another day to begin:
First, understand that a lot of your stress comes from buying into cultural expectations. Like it or not, our Western lifestyles put enormous pressure on our bodies, brains, and emotions. We’re always under the gun to do more, faster, better. However, few of us naturally meet every cultural standard of beauty, intelligence, achievement, and desirability that exists—so we’re saddled with unmet expectations and compulsive drives that sink our peace of mind and morale.
Wanting to be the best you can be isn’t inherently a bad thing. But it’s incredibly easy to become myopic, self-centered, and stressed out when you’re blindly striving to reach the next level. Unfortunately, many people are limited in their abilities to “flick off” the mental switch when life becomes counterproductive. They remain plugged in to the rat race, with little time to reflect, be quiet, and connect with their inner selves. The Buddha called this condition suffering. Today, we call it stress.
Stress is more than a feeling. It exacts a very real price. Well, you might think, unless I sell my home and move to an ashram, stress is going to stick around. But it’s not like stress will kill me, right? Don’t bet on it. Stress, especially the chronic type, has very real effects on your body and mind as well as on your quality of life. High levels of stress can impact your energy levels, weaken your immune system, raise your blood pressure, and interfere with tissue repair and growth. It can also contribute to depression, which is predicted to be the leading occupational disease of the twenty-first century.
Reducing the impact of stress on your life isn’t just a convenience; it’s a very concrete investment in your health. Stress throws your entire life out of balance, and the longer you allow conflict, worry, and anxiety to have footholds in your life, the more quickly your body and mind will deteriorate. Without an outlet—which can be provided through mind training—stress hormones can linger in your bloodstream for up to two weeks, leaving you overrun with fear and anxiety and open to ill health. And, as you’ve probably suspected, that isn’t what your body was designed for.
Nobody likes Suzie or Sammy Stressor! Chances are you’ve had a coworker, boss, friend, or family member who was essentially a walking, talking ball of stress and anxiety. Think about it: How did you feel when you were around this person? Most likely, your own anxiety levels rose, and you eventually found yourself spending less and less time around him or her. That’s because people gravitate toward others who aren’t frantic, but who are calming influences.
Whether at work, out with friends, or at home, people will be more likely to seek you out if you make them feel comfortable and calm. Whether your stress manifests itself through angry outbursts, becoming withdrawn, or making pessimistic doomsday predictions, you’re hurting your own effectiveness as well as that of the people around you. In fact, the brain contains so-called “mirror neurons,” which actually cause us to unconsciously emulate and respond to others’ feelings and behaviors. So yes—stress is in fact a communicable illness!
We’re prisoners of the mind. Think about it this way: You can block a riverbed and dam up the waters, but once they’re released, they’re not going to flow in a different direction—they’re going to flow through the same old channel. Your brain, and how it directs your behaviors, is similar. Due to a mix of genetic factors and external conditioning—including the aforementioned cultural performance drive—you are locked into a set of habitual and automatic attitudes, thoughts, and behaviors that are often harmful. And trigger A will almost always lead to result B, unless you take specific steps to redefine what B is.
Many of us are stuck in negative behavioral tracks that cause us to have less-than-positive thoughts and stressful reactions. And that’s dangerous. These automatic patterns of thoughts, emotions, and actions can stop brain flow and create a kind of deadness in our lives. Unconscious habituation can even make you feel that life is meaningless and create in you a sense of constant, underlying anxiety about which you have no understanding. To make a change, you literally need to carve new channels—new neural pathways—in your brain. That’s where mind training comes in.
Mind training? What’s that? If you’re a bit skeptical, don’t be. I’m not talking about brainwashing—I’m talking about learning to consciously redirect your dysfunctional brain patterns. Essentially, there are four brainwaves: beta, alpha, theta, and delta. Ideally, they should all work together in harmony, but one often dominates the others. This leads to dysfunctional thoughts and habits and “negative feedback loops” of behavior. Mind training—a not-so-flaky form of meditation—helps you to focus on and become aware of each of these four brainwaves, thus triggering the neuroplastic function of the brain.
Depending on which brainwave is dominant, you might be experiencing racing thoughts, uncontrollable worry, inability to meet deadlines, and more. So bringing your brainwaves out of whack and into synchrony is a key component of really improving your life. When you become truly aware of your thought processes and emotional responses, you will be better able to identify what triggers your stress responses and what you can do to alleviate that!
Let your stress “flow” away. Try this: Look around, find an object to focus on, and try to hold your attention on it. Did you notice all the thoughts that “popped up” as you tried to focus on the object? In a very real sense, you didn’t fully see the object itself because your mind was so clouded with relating the object to other things, naming it, evaluating it, judging it, etc. Can you see how in other situations this kind of “mental jabber” increases your anxiety and prevents you from acting positively and decisively? Chances are, you spend more time rehashing the past and worrying about the future than you do dealing with the here and now. When you’re able to silence this inner voice through mind training, you open yourself up to a state called “flow”—which is the antithesis of stress.
Flow is that all-too-fleeting state in which you are “on fire,” mentally focused, engaged, and immersed in what you’re doing. Scientifically, “flow” moves in the direction of the prefrontal lobes, the area of self-awareness that gathers meaning from the external world. It’s a mental state that merges action with acute awareness, and it is usually accompanied by a sense of being alive and joyful. At such a time, brain functions and neural networks are working together optimally. And a well-oiled brain means less stress!
You’re Home (Base) free! So what’s the bottom line? Well, with enough mind training practice, you will be less apt to look outside yourself for answers, comfort, and fulfillment. Research shows that we are all wired for what we really want: peace, kindness, and happiness. It’s our culturally acquired desires for success, status, and “more” that create disappointment, stress, and unhappiness! Once you learn to pay attention to your inner resources, though, you will notice a marked difference in your ability to become calm, cool, and collected—even during your most hectic days.
I call this place of inner peace “Home Base.” It’s a place from which you can make centered, rational judgments while seeing situations for what they truly are, not for what you fear or hope them to be. When you’re in your “Home Base,” you will be able to channel your energy in positive directions instead of letting anxiety and stress suck it up. That’s where the magnificence of mind training truly lies: You can rewire your brain’s neuronal pathways to change how you feel, think, and behave when those stressful situations inevitably come your way!
Here’s the truth about stress that no one wants to face: It’ll never go away! You’ll still have deadlines to meet, bills to pay, and children to chauffeur—but with the help of mind training, these things will no longer send you into a self-perpetuating tailspin of frenetic thoughts and worries. You will be able to meet them head-on with a stable, focused, and calm mind. And that will make all the difference.
One of the more annoying cliches that has arisen in the last few years is “just stay positive.” It has almost become a mantra for the mindless cheery. I’m not even sure what being “positive” means anymore. Just say happy words like love and puppies and blueberries? Being “positive,” whatever it might have originally meant, I think has degenerated into “all you have to do is think good thoughts and good things will happen.” In other words don’t use your brain to try and figure out what to do next.
Just say the happy words and keep that smile on your face. Supposedly if you even acknowledge that the present situation is not very good you are just putting negativity out there. I have worked with people dealing with serious and sometimes terminal illnesses. I have actually heard people say to them that if they just stay positive they can beat anything. No you can’t. Sometimes you lose, period. Do you know anyone two hundred years old still walking around? I don’t.
We go. Positive or not we go. If you have lost money during this economic downturn just being “positive” and saying happy words or mindless platitudes isn’t going to bring it back. Think about it this way. If you’re driving down the road and you hear some strange sounds coming out of your car are you just going to think happy thoughts or maybe you might take your car in for a check-up.
Look, obviously I’m not saying that we should sit around and be as negative as we can, get depressed together, and spend most of our time complaining, though we do seem to like to do that in spite of the think positive movement. What I am saying is that we should not confuse this empty, mindless and baseless positive attitude schtick with an attitude that is truly positive because it is based on strength and in a belief in yourself.
First we have to understand that a true attitude is like a philosophy of life. It is more than just words, it is a way of understanding how you define life and your relationship to it. Do you think there is a difference between somebody who says life is a bitch and at the end you die, and someone who says life is a grand adventure? I said that at one of my presentations and someone in the audience said, “Yeah.
The person who says life is a grand adventure is either independently wealthy or stoned.” I responded that though that was a funny line it was a cynical line. I have been in hospital rooms with people who were dying and they had a better “attitude” than anyone else in the room. Their spirits were alive though their bodies were not doing very well. This was not about happy words. This was coming from a deep place within them. Some were religious and some were not, but there was a deep belief about themselves and life that helped them through this very difficult time.
Jim Collins in his wonderful book, “ Good to Great,” talks about James Stockdale who was the highest ranking officer held as a prisoner in North Vietnam. He was held for eight years. It was obviously a brutal situation. He did a lot of things to help his men keep their morale up and keep a sense of unity between them. When asked what the difference was between the people who “made it” and didn’t make it especially from a psychological point of view he responded that the ones who didn’t make it were the optimists.
I love to say that in my talks because almost always there is a gasp and very puzzled looks in the audience. Obviously you have to define your words. For him the “optimists” were the ones who would say, “We’ll be out of here by Christmas.” When that didn’t happen they went to Easter and then Thanksgiving etc. He said they died of a broken heart. What they were actually doing was employing the empty minded optimism that I mentioned at the beginning of this article. They had no basis for their statements. It just sounded good. Eventually it collapsed on them.
Stockdale was basically saying that he would not participate in that type of optimism. He had no idea when they were getting out of there. He acknowledged that the situation was horrible but he was firm in his belief that he would not be defeated. He truly believed he would get out of there and that the way he handled that situation would define him for the rest of his life.
He was constantly strategizing ways to stay in control. I also believe that if they had taken him out to shoot him one of his last thoughts would have been that they did not defeat him. This was not a “happy words” philosophy. This was a powerful belief in himself and in life. Collins calls this the Stockdale paradox - acknowledge the dire situation but believe that you have the resources to triumph. I don’t actually think that is a paradox.
I do think it goes against the grain of the empty minded optimists, the think positive group. I think Stockdale’s approach is the only thing that makes sense. You have to acknowledge the situation before you can deal with it. Denying what is going on keeps you stuck. You can’t change it if you don’t see it or admit it.
If you are going to deal with this economic crisis successfully you must take the time to rethink how you look at yourself and how you look at life in general. Write down your strengths even the ones that don’t necessarily seem pertinent to the present situation. Write down other crises that you have weathered and analyze what you did that helped.
Look at your bad habits or tendencies and develop strategies to offset them. For example if there are certain people you hang out with and you tend to just get miserable together either do something else with those people or don’t hang out with them anymore. Find some rituals for yourself that help you regain some inner peace, or courage, or inspiration. Your strategies might be very different from mine. Maybe you have a certain Bible quote you like or a poem or some Mozart.
It doesn’t matter. If they help you use them. Define what a successful resolution to this situation looks like to you. Make sure you take the time to rekindle your spirit. I will go into this in more depth in other articles but it is not enough to merely survive. You have to find ways to thrive.
Just because new guidelines say most women don't need an annual pap...women and girls shouldn't put their health at risk.
With the announcement of the new pap test guidelines, it is worrisome that many women will now forgo their routine annual exam. These women believe that if they do not need a pap test, they do not need a gynecological exam. Wrong! In fact, seeing a women's health care provider involves much more than cervical cancer screening.
4 key reasons women (and girls) should regularly see a health care provider, even if they don't need a pap test:
Teen girls need a first time. Gynecologists recommend that every teen girl should visit a women's health care provider for the first time between the ages of 13 and 15. This visit does not necessarily mean a girl will have an exam, but it can be a great opportunity for a young girl to establish a relationship with a provider prior to their need for an exam. This visit is also a great opportunity for education and counseling.
Any woman who is sexually active needs to have STD screening. Just this week, the Centers for Disease Control released the latest statistics concerning sexually transmitted infections, and the rate of infection continues to rise in the 15 to 19 age group. We need to encourage girls to be screened.
Any woman who is sexually active may need birth control. Teen pregnancy is a costly problem in this country, to the tune of 9.1 billion dollars annually. In addition, the second highest group of women who have pregnancy terminations are the over forty age group. If women are not seeing their health care provider regularly, these statistics may continue to rise since women will not be receiving the contraceptive counseling that they need.
Annual well women exams. The gynecologic visit encompasses much more than a pap test. Often a women's health care provider is the only source of primary health care a women under the age or 40 may see, and therefore, it is important that women continue to have these visits.
At this visit, a women is screened for hypertension, assessed for risks of cancer and heart disease, and given a general health physical that includes a breast and pelvic exam.
General health counseling also occurs at this visit, such as the need for adequate calcium intake to prevent osteoporosis. As we look at health care reform, remember that disease prevention is thought to be a key to health care cost containment.
Finally, guidelines are just that -- guidance for individual health care based on studying large numbers of people. A woman and her health care provider need to be the ones who make the decisions about how often to have a pap test. But, if a woman and her health care provider agree that they don't need pap tests every year, they shouldn't stop receiving all the other benefits of an annual visit to a women's health care provider!
Are you avoiding doing the things that nurture you?
Feed you?
Nourish your spirit and calm your being?
When will you decide to stop?
I'm in that place of finding balance in the tension between all things. Of searching for stillness in the midst of chaos. Of holding on... to nothing... but the moment... passing through.It has been a disquieting place.
In the busy-ness of Christmas, the doing ups and goings on, I have lost my sense of balance. I have quit doing the things I know nurture my soul, nourish my spirit, and feed my internal flame. I have given only cursory consideration to my morning meditations, hurrying myself along with thoughts of, "I'll settle for five minutes grace and be done with it."
Finding grace in being done with it quickly is an oxymoron.
I have been living my own contradictions. I have let go of doing the things I know are good for me and giving into the things I know un-quieten me: eating the wrong foods, not going for walks, avoiding taking care of the little things in my life, falling into mind-chatter filled silence...
This morning, as I settled into a considered meditation, I let go of hurry and sank into that space within where I connect with peace, inside and out. I drifted down into that deep sensation of being at One with God within and God without. Of being the Yin/Yang of my creation. The dark/light of my essence. I settled into myself and awoke to the calling of my spirit's voice.
It was a wake up call. A reminder that no matter how busy the world around me, when I take time to nurture my eternal flame within, I create space to hear my inner wisdom speaking up, speaking for, speaking with my spirit's calling. I become conscious of my doings that are undermining my being my highest good -- those things that lead me into my goings on that devalue my greatest being.
Ahhhh.......
There is no one in this world who can create happiness within me. That's my job. My responsibility. I am 100% accountable for my goings on, doing ups and falling downs. I am 100% responsible for my words, actions, thoughts, deeds. I am accountable for me, myself and I.
No matter how much or how hard I attempt to abdicate my responsibility, when I'm feeling out of sorts, out of sync, off balance, off center -- it's me pulling me in whatever direction I'm going.
I have grown attached to certain TV commercials. There are now three products vying for supremacy in the male impotence sweepstakes: the original Viagra, the johnny-come-lately Cialis, and a product called Levitra that seems to hover somewhere between a cure for “E.D.” and a high blood pressure and clot removing drug.
None of the above is in my medicine chest. In fact, I think they should not be in a medicine chest in the first place, but in the bar. But that’s another story, or just a bad joke.
I am fascinated because last month marked the 39th anniversary of my sudden departure from talk radio after a frank series about sexual failure, which I pronounced a national epidemic, an opinion that is borne out today by the attention paid to male failure.
But wait. When I did my ill-fated series, we believed, and the belief was supported by all those who understood male AND female sexuality, that sexual ability did not originate in the nether regions – it originated between your ears! Impotence, or what today we love to call erectile dysfunction – was perceived to be caused by physical problems about 5% of the time.
The problem was cultural, emotional, and spiritual – whatever you use to define intellectual activity. Now presto – you don’t need a shrink – you need a pill! You don’t have to understand WHY you can’t function, because in today’s society there is a pill for everything. But the success of the pill masks a far deeper problem. Male vanity coupled with a lack of real ego strength leads to insecurity, which leads to E.D. You can take a pill but the “real” problem won’t go away.
In fact, the apparently inaccurate title I used here is a lot more valid that the rather antiseptic word "dysfunction" which suggests that it is a "condition."
Going back to 1970 my real problem seemed to be that I countenanced masturbation as a method to have people, especially women, actually experience the feeling of orgasm. I used the most circumspect language. I believe today that that so-called circumspect language, which tries to avoid vulgarity, also disguises and camouflages the ability to understand.
Today, nearly 40 years later we can’t use the words, although, in fairness, a word that helped get me off the air, is commonplace to-day: erection. As in “if you have one lasting over 4 hours see your doctor.” You should be so lucky. I remember using the word “priapism” which to many people was undecipherable.
Now to the most glaring lack of real sexual understanding: when Viagra first came out there was some plaintive questions from females about what the product could do for them. Answer: nothing.
Which brings me back to the final straw in my own downfall all those years ago: long and frank conversations with women about their own failure to achieve orgasm. Today of course there is open discussion from people like Sue Johansson and even to the titillating giggly style of yesterday's frank-talking guru: Dr. Ruth.
I remember my last visit to Istanbul. Viagra had just exploded onto the world’s sexual stage. There in the Spice Bazaar was a product with the unabashedly frank label: ‘Natural Viagra.”
One thing good: they’ve taken sexuality out of the closet.
Time of death: 6 p.m., Dec. 15, 2009, Connecticut Standard Time.
Signing the certificate: Senator Joseph Lieberman, , the former Democrat turned Independent turned health-care slayer.
In retrospect it’s easy to see that no bill with competition for the insurance industry would get Lieberman’s vote, although Democrats tried. Out went the opt-out public option, the opt-in public option, triggers and co-ops. Still Lieberman was unhappy.
Finally with only days to spare Democrats proposed a Medicare buy-in for those aged 55 to 64. That was sure to please Lieberman since it was his idea. Yes, he was for a Medicare buy- in (in September) but that was before he was against it (in December) because by then it had Democratic cooties on it.
On Sunday, Lieberman, hiding behind fiscal prudence, said he would wait for the Congressional Budget Office to score the Medicare expansion before deciding. But he just couldn’t wait. On Monday he announced his unequivocal opposition.
That’s when White House ally and leading outside expert cheering for the bill, former Vermont Governor Howard Dean, folded his tent, calling the weakened bill “a bigger bailout for the insurance industry than AIG.” Senator Bernie Sanders has announced he won’t vote for the bill.
What’s telling is that the White House got angry at Dean for coming out against a bill that had been gutted, but held its fire against Lieberman who’d done the gutting.
The generous view of the coddling of Lieberman -- he got to keep his committee chairmanships after campaigning for John McCain last year -- is that Barack Obama must hold on to him to get to a 60-vote, filibuster-proof majority.
Giving Cover
The ungenerous view is that Lieberman gives cover to a watered-down bill that is consistent with agreements made with the drug and insurance industries by Obama, who is as determined to be known as the man who brought civility to the capital as the one who brought competition to Aetna.
Look how reasonable a Democrat can be. In exchange for promising to deliver $80 billion in savings, Big Pharma wouldn’t be pressured to give high-volume discounts on drugs nor subject to imports of cheaper medications. When a bill came up this week that would allow re-importation of Canadian drugs, it went down with the blessing of the White House.
As for insurers, they could get 30 million new customers. All they would have to do is forgo a Harry-and-Louise-type anti- reform ad campaign and drop the insidious practice of insuring as few people likely to get sick as possible while purging their rolls of those unlucky enough to get seriously ill.
Bury the Option
The only brake on that windfall was the possibility of competition. But back in June, White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel told members of Congress that Obama was “open to alternatives” to the public option, which turned out to mean open to burying it. Then on Sunday, Emanuel begged Senate Majority Leader Harrry Reid to agree to drop the Medicare buy-in if Lieberman objected.
The gutted bill turns insurers into too-big-to-fail bankers. For insuring those with pre-existing conditions (but still charging an arm and a leg for it), insurers get millions of new customers -- many of them young and healthy and forced to buy coverage -- all with no competition from a public program.
What’s in this for Lieberman has less to do with protecting insurance companies than his seething contempt for his former Democratic colleagues and concerns for his political future.
His Democrat Derangement Syndrome began in 2004 when he didn’t get the party’s presidential nomination. In 2006 it deepened when he was challenged by an anti-war Democrat who beat him in the primary election forcing him to run as an Independent to keep his seat.
Lieberman’s Luck
Then Lieberman got lucky in a three-way general election running against two flawed candidates. Democrat Ned Lamont never broadened his appeal much beyond opposition to the Iraq war. Republican Alan Schlesinger, a small town mayor and serious (but losing) gambler who played at an Indian casino under an assumed name, was so weak the Republican governor suggested he step aside. Instead, he helped Lieberman win.
Lieberman is unlikely to be so fortunate again. In 2012 his political future rests on getting the Republican nomination. If the cost of admission is going against the very reforms he’s supported his whole life, then so be it.
In outrage at Lieberman’s latest move, liberal bloggers have gone from trying to stop him to trying to hurt his wife by calling on celebrities on the board of Susan G. Komen for the Cure, , a breast-cancer advocacy and education group, to drop Hadassah Lieberman as its global ambassador.
The sins of the husband simply can’t be visited upon the good works of a spouse. It would be like deporting Elin Nordegren for Tiger Wood’s behavior. This very bad bill may have to go but not at the expense of Obama’s civility.
There was nothing special or extra-ordinary about me before late November, 2005.I was an average 49 year old woman with a husband, three children, a home and a fulfilling business partnership shared with my spouse. Well maybe just a bit on the lucky side as both of my parents were still alive and healthy. Bob and I had a shared passion for many activities and interests .
We enjoyed our days in the office working on engineering projects together as much as time spent playing golf, home renovations or painting in our studio. Whether he was engaged in watching “movie marathons” with the boys or tenderly playing with our young daughter, he was as full of life as a person could be. Just like most of our neighbours and friends, our lives revolved around home and family. There were normal portions of happiness and sadness, with ample amounts of hopes and dreams for the future.
There’s a comfort that comes when the course of life follows the laws of probability. Bob’s mother had passed away a month before at the age of 94 and without any stretch of the imagination, I truly and wholeheartedly believed that Bob and I would grow old ‘together”.
It was sunny and cold on November 29, 2005.The ambulance dispatch sheet which I found many weeks later said 10:17 am. It was at that moment when my life changed in a heartbeat or rather a lack there-of. In the minutes and hours that followed the pain of sorrow filled my mind and my body. The weight of my aching heart alone felt like a suit of the heaviest armor.
Its four years later now andthere are many significant visible differences in my life, my home and my family but the greatest changes have occurred in the essence of what I have become since beginning the path of my personal “Journey of Grief”. I will admit that at times, I was a most unwilling participant.
“Widow” is a hard word to swallow at any point in one’s life but especially difficult at an early age. It was less than 48 hours after the death of my husband, while making funeral arrangements that the priest looked at me and matter-of-factly addressed me as “The Widow”. Then sternly added that I might as well begin to get used it. Just another blow that I deflected with a staunch jaw clench and a strained smile that I had begun to perfect over the previous two days.
The surreal existence enveloped me and swallowed any ounce of sense I was trying to make of my crumblingworld. Most days were spent feigning the actions of living when really I felt like part of me had also died with my husband. “Drifting” was the only word I could find to describe the course of the day before sleep’s reprieve.And on the eves that sleep did not come at all, I fought strongly to resist the temptation to be sucked into the abyss created by his death and departure from my world.
Acutely aware of the fact that life holds no guarantees but only half-accepting the odds that the face of adversity can be behind any door. And with no warnings signs what-so-ever, the door opened and my life changed.
The cause of death was “Fatal Arrhythmia” or what is commonly-known as classic “Sudden Death”. I was fully and utterly un-prepared for the harsh reality of a sudden, unexpected death, not that anticipated deaths are any easier to endure.In listening to the journeys of others, I heard stories of how one prepares for the anticipated deaths of cancer and other terminal illnesses and of how the grief journey begins long before the loved one’s final breath. Sudden death is very different. No better no worse just different. It’s like a “chop block” against a football player. He suddenly realizes his legs have been knocked out from under him and he’s down on the ground with very little recollection of how he got there. His team-mates and the coach quickly ask him if he’s OK and without even thinking he answers “yes” as they help him to the bench to recover.
That is exactly how a “sudden death” feels. I found myself down, frozen in time, with my breath knocked out of me. I could not imagine that there was every going to be a future past that moment. And just like the fallen football player, my friends and family offered assistance and I instinctively stood up and steadied myself. My only sustaining thoughts on that day being that I have 3 children to be there for and that I needed to strong.
So just like the felled football player, I said I was “OK”.
The Obvious Effects
When you begin to look for it, one soon finds that there is an abundance of well-documented information on Death and Grief. People will freely give you well-intentioned advice on every aspect of recovering from the loss of a loved.It permeates your life like a river overflowing its banks. No facet of your existence remains untouched by the death.I quickly learned that there is much that is not said and to discover it alone is a formidable and lonely task. Every book I read was missing something and every person I spoke to seemed to be too quiet on the essence of the path I was walking.
Try as I might to accept the reality that life forward was going to be different, the process of become “one” again rather that one half of a “couple” was incredibly difficult. One less dinner plate at the table was easier to accept than going to bed and trying to allow myself to move to the centre of the bed, instead of still staying on “my side.Simple routines of the day became painful. Each daily task was now different because it was undertaken “alone.”A full three weeks transpired before I could put on a morning pot of coffee without being driven to tears. I hugged his old clothes for a reminder of his presence and I re-read many times the cards and poems he had written over the years. I became acutely aware that I was “existing”, not “living”, but my faith never wavered that there was a willful purpose for this journey.
I never knew what small aspect of Bob’s life might be discovered that day and I never knew how paralyzed I might become because of it. Some days my soul was ambushed by grief with a fear of future. And on others days the simple thought of the next moment could cause the same effect.
And the Not-So-Obvious
“The meeting of two people is like a chemical reaction, if there is any reaction at all, both are forever changed.”– Carl Gustav Jung
“Alone in the soul” – is what death of a loved one feels like. I could not find a book to tell me how to soothe the wound of the uniqueness of our relationship and I could not find a person who could describe for me the words to heal the “aching rock” inside me. The books for widows and how to go on after losing a loved one were words on paper that dealt with generalities of death rather than specifics. They told me the semantics of my existence but nothing to lift me above it. I needed to search within for relief of the tormenting ruminations.By being driven deep inside myself searching for answers, I soon realized that the healing starts from within and works its way to the surface. I was fiercely protecting the memories of our life together and needed to find a way to carry those thoughts without burden.
Like everything in life, preparation is the key. How do you prepare for an exam? Learn your material in advance. Gain the necessary knowledge and practice the material till it’s almost innate. How should we prepare for life, in much the same way. With all life’s relationships of births and marriages and new loves and new friends, we need to talk to each other not only of the life lived but to be aware of the impact when a life is stilled.
Choices to be Made
The most natural reaction to the feelings is pain and an aching in the soul. Tears flow freely like they will wishfully be able to wash away the hurt. But they didn’t. And only when I realized and accepted that I had a path to follow on my Journey of Grief did the unknown course become charted before me.
I put the “feelings” into words in a journal so they would leave my mind and allow me to live again. And I took a brush to canvas capturing “heartache” and “drifting aimlessly” into paintings. I transformed our years together as “walking with another for a portion of our journey” rather than dwelling on the fact that there would be no new shared time.
And I traveled to the oceans and sat on the beach to let go of the “aching rock” I was carrying around in my chest. The burden on my soul lifted as I felt the “rock” being carried away on the wings of the breeze. I made a conscious effort to be thankful for the sunrise that heralds the new day.
And slowly but surely, my Lust for Life returned. My life changed the moment I changed my mindset from I have lost my “everything” to realizing that I really still had “everything”.
Healing
I’ve learned that there are no words to express the feeling of seeing a photo of someone you love and remembering the sound of their voice, their laughter, their presence and then to realize they have been forever silenced in this world.
I have learned that even though we may feel stagnated in progress, there is always more to learn and discover. Nothing stays the same and that the road to change has pitfalls along the way. Many have walked the journey and have learned how to heal. One cannot always tell who has a story to tell. So I have learned to stop and listen. A few extra minutes out of my day to listen to a new friend or acquaintance is always worth the time.And invariably, I have been educated.
I’ve learned that living in the day is a coping skill that sustains, but to live past today and truly look forward to a future is a gift that will soon return. In a strange but comforting way, I look forward to that day but waste not one moment of today’s blessings in wait. I feel like there is so much living to do in only 24 hours per day.
I have accepted my Journey of Grief as a natural roadway in the Journey of Life. There are so many times in our life when we go through painful events and at the time cannot see further than our momentary despair.When time has passed and the pain has healed, we marvel at the gains we have made.I can leap out of bed in the morning with eager anticipation of what the day will bring. Knowing that the events are with intents and purpose and I will grow with each experience, despite the “Loss Lived”.
“Experience is not what happens to you,it is what you do with what happens to you.”.
- Aldous Huxley
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Don’t cringe at the title “A Journey of Grief” because it will assuredly be your experience and journey, at some unknown time in your life. It is human nature to treat the grief associated with the loss of a loved one with avoidance until it personally enters our life. We shield our children from the harsh reality of it by waiting till they’re old enough to understand. We encourage our young men to be stoic in its face, despite their inner torment. But “grief and loss” don’t wait for an invitation and when they arrive at your door, how will you cope?
Only those who have lived the journey, begin to understand how unprepared we are for something that is inevitable. If we share our stories and put words to the unbearable feelings, support can be given in a small, but significant way that can hopefully make another’s journey easier.
“A Journey.”A journey has a beginning. A journey has an end. Each step of the journey invokes growth. And with growth, comes hope. People are gifted with the ability to heal not only of the physical body, but of spirit and soul. Even a broken heart mends. We emerge from this journey as a different person and we learn to once again re-invest in life. The challenge at the outset is to accept that Grief is a totally individual experience. And for me that meant accepting that this was my path and accepting that each step of the journey would have life-changing significance. I learned of the purpose of the “walk” and I grew in strength of character with each step of the journey. It’s a story I am happy to share.
Are you willing to open yourself up to the wonder of your dreams by embracing your vision of living your highest expression as your truth?
I am taking my professional coaches certification. It's an online certification program -- and I am loving online learning!
One of the exercises is to create a Vision Statement for your client. As we are all trainees on the call, each trainee takes a turn being 'the client', while another interviews them and then writes a Vision Statement for them. And then we switch -- but work with a different trainee as the coach/client.
The Vision Statement is a powerful statement of what you've revealed during the interview as your dreams and hopes and goals in all areas of your life; spiritual, relationships, emotional, financial, career, physical. Of what you've described as your ideal life and the goals you want to achieve over the next year. It is written as if you are already living it, already experiencing your dream life come true.
Last night, the coach trainee I'd worked with the night before read my Vision Statement to me. She invited me to relax, to sink down into that place within me where I feel safe, secure, open.
I sank. She read. I awoke to my life as ‘a brand new and spacious place filled with surprise and hidden bursts of light coming from unexpected places’.
I felt incredibly blessed. Honored. Respected. Heard.
We had spent an hour and a half the night before, the coach trainee interviewing me. Me digging deep to provide her insight into my dreams.
She nailed it.
Heard me and fed me back, and thus my subconscious, the words and ideas, thoughts and images, goals and dreams I had shared the night before.
Listening to her voice read my Vision Statement to me, I felt like I was immersed in a river of love and beauty. Buoyed up by the warm gentle waters carrying me along, I drifted into that place where I am free to live my greatest expression of me.
And the fun didn't stop there!
I then got to read to the trainee I'd worked with the Vision Statement I'd created for him. What an amazingly rewarding experience!
For half an hour, I got to repeat back to him his powerful words of the change he wants to be in the world. Of his drive to live his life creating value everywhere he goes.
As I read, I imagined my words were a beautiful spring rain shower pouring down upon him. They entered his mind, sank into his heart and settled upon the soils of his verdant subconscious creating a lush and sustaining garden of beauty and love. I imagined him being his Vision Statement. Saw him taking the steps he'd described to reach his goals, to soar into his highest expression of himself.
The objective of the Vision Statement exercise is to embed what a person's Vision Statement in their subconscious as their personal truth. In his book, Psycho-Cybernetics, Dr. Maxwell Maltz, MD., wrote:“Change occurs not by intellect, and not by intelligence; change is brought about by experience. Remember, experiencing is the same to the subconscious mind as imagining. The subconscious mind does not know the difference between real and unreal. It accepts what you feed it.”
Last night, I sank with grace and ease into the truth within me. I opened my heart and mind to the wonder of being alive, of living this one wild and precious life in love with all I am, all I can be when I let go of the shores of my comfort zone and swim out into the limitless possibilities of life beyond the realm of my wildest dreams.
Of life lived large.
Lived completely in love with all I am, all I can be when I align myself with my purpose and focus on creating a ripple effect of love with every stroke I take in the sea of possibility that is my life filled with beauty and wonder.
From-the-Heart Answers Your Dying Loved One Would Like to Give You
The following suggestions have come from men and women who have passed various milestones on their own sacred walks.
“Don’t ask me how to help.” Although asking how you can help might be your first instinct, instead try to anticipate ways in which you can be useful. Your loved one is embroiled in an immense crisis, and he may not be able to identify or articulate the areas in which he needs help. It’s also possible that he might feel uncomfortable asking for aid. So if you see a way in which you can help, just do it. Make a meal. Clean your loved one’s bathroom. Offer to pick up groceries, or take care of children. Your foresight and initiative will be greatly appreciated.
“Don’t make me talk about my condition.” Remember that your loved one has talked endlessly to doctors about her illness, prognosis, and treatment options. If you were not a part of those meetings, it’s okay to ask about general news—but resist the impulse to go into detail. More likely than not, this will unnerve your loved one, make her feel less “normal,” and undermine the positive attitude she’s striving for. When she’s ready to share, she’ll initiate the topic.
“Listen to me.” When your loved one is ready to talk, be ready to listen—even if the topic is one you’d rather avoid. The patient may not need advice, but what he does need is a sounding board to help him think through the pros and cons of his options—someone who won’t fall apart when he talks about his fears and concerns. Make your loved one feel comfortable by asking questions and affirming his feelings.
“Help alleviate my fears.” If your loved one is harboring fears about the dying process or death, it’s important for her to address them. Gently encourage the patient to talk about what she is afraid of or apprehensive about, and do what you can to alleviate those worries, whether that involves physical action or affirming words.
“Help me maintain my dignity and control.” Although you might want to do everything you can for your loved one from the minute he receives a terminal diagnosis, it’s important not to hover over him or prematurely treat him as an invalid. Let him maintain a normal life by doing the things he can for as long as he can. Otherwise, he might feel as though he has lost control of his life. Once your loved one does need aid to get from one day to the next, always be sure to consult his opinion and make sure that his wishes are being followed.
“Reassure me that my life mattered.” It is common for depression and doubt to set in when someone accepts that she is losing the battle to stay alive, particularly if she has always been an “in-charge” person and/or a caregiver herself. Take every opportunity to express appreciation and admiration for her past accomplishments, and communicate what your relationship has meant to you. Make sure that your loved one knows how much you care for her, and encourage other family members and friends to do the same.
“Share your faith with me.” Whether your loved one is an atheist, an agnostic, or a person of faith, he may be uncertain and apprehensive about what the next step will entail—and he might not feel comfortable initiating conversations about what he believes. Keep your antennae up and listen for the subtle openings you might be given. Skeptics and believers alike are comforted by the assurance that a divine being exists and that an afterlife awaits.
“Create a peaceful atmosphere for me.” The last thing your loved one wants is to be surrounded by reminders of death and dying. Most patients prefer to stay at home if at all possible. If your loved one has to remain in a healthcare facility, though, do everything you can to make her room feel like home. Keep the area around her free of clutter and harsh lights, try to hide or disguise medical supplies, and surround her with her favorite things: pictures, objects, flowers, artwork, music, and above all, people.
“Give me permission to go.” This is one of the last and most difficult services you can perform for your dying loved one. Even after a person’s fears about the dying process have been addressed, some might still worry about leaving the people who love and care for them. Assure your loved one that everything has been taken care of, that he will be remembered and cherished, and that it is okay to let go. Removing any emotional obstacle that may remain will help open the door to a peaceful passing.
Ways Caregivers Can Face Fears and Better Help Loved Ones Take That Final, Sacred Walk
Caring for a loved one who is approaching the end of his or her life is one of the hardest things you’ll ever have to do. However, it is possible to approach this period of time as the wonderful gift it is. Here's a bit of comfort and advice that will enable caregivers to do just that.
“I’m dying.” These are words that most of us dread hearing from the people we love. However, death is an inescapable part of life—and if it hasn’t happened already, chances are you’ll be called upon to help a parent, spouse, friend, or other loved one through the valley. Yes, it can be a terrifying prospect. But it’s also a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity: to help your loved one make the most of his final years, months, and days…to help him take the next step without regret…and to create priceless memories for you to cherish.
The illness and decline of someone close to you, especially as the end draws near, is one of the most testing times in your life. Still, it’s important to know that serving as a caregiver can reward you with a rich, full experience. Death will always bring sadness, but it does not have to be characterized solely by pain and sorrow—it can also be accompanied by faith, grace, and love.
I grew up overshadowed by a paralyzing fear of death due to the early loss of numerous family members and first experienced the trials and joys of caregiving when I spent time with my beloved grandmother, Angelina, in the last months of her life. Through Angelina’s wisdom and example, I was able for the first time to witness a peaceful passing and experience “good grief.”
My grandmother’s faith strengthened my own, and I was able to realize that I haven’t seen her for the last time. Grandma taught me so much about living a full, selfless life with no regrets—not only through her life, but also through her death. Learning those lessons took courage on my part: the courage to face my fears, and the courage to continue loving Grandma even though I knew I would lose her soon.
Since that time, I have served as a caregiver to many others, both as a family member and as a representative of ministries and hospice organizations.
Through my experiences with the dying and their families, I’ve learned that there are two groups who need to be considered: the person receiving care, and the people who are giving it. Focus on your loved one, but don’t ignore yourself and your own needs in the process. Remember that both of you are still alive at this moment, and use the time to draw even closer together.
Helping someone make his or her final life transition is an intimate and profound privilege, whether you are the primary caregiver or not. And while there is no single formula to follow during this bittersweet time, you can take steps that will enable you to provide support to your loved one without feeling unnecessarily frightened or burdened by stress and anxiety. Being a caregiver isn’t easy—but it is an experience you can’t afford to miss.
Taken from my book, A Sacred Walk: Dispelling the Fear of Death and Caring for the Dying (A&A Publishing, 2008, ISBN: 978-0-6152458-5-0, $15.95), following are several important thoughts for all caregivers to consider as they spend the last bit of precious time with their loved ones:
Strive to be “God with skin on.” In today’s busy, competitive world, the “still, small voice” of reason and love can easily be drowned out, and those who are hurting often have to maneuver life’s minefields without the support and companionship they so desperately need. Even before you are called upon to care for a loved one in need, you can serve as a caregiver to those whom you encounter in the ebb and flow of daily life.
Being a caregiver isn’t something that begins only when a loved one needs your help. The skills you’ll use to walk a friend or relative home are practiced and honed every day—something I call being “God with skin on.” You never know which of your coworkers, friends, or acquaintances might need a pair of helping hands or a nonjudgmental listening ear. By developing patience, kindness, gentleness, and other selfless qualities, you’ll be ready to help when someone you meet has been unpleasantly surprised by life. And you’ll be able to step in without hesitation and put those skills to use when someone you care about is beginning his or her final journey.
You need care, too. When you’re a caregiver, you might feel as though you need to have all of the answers and show no sign of weakness. After all, you’re supposed to be the pillar of support, right? Wrong. Your patient isn’t the only one who needs care—you do too. The responsibilities on your shoulders are immense, and they—like grief—are more bearable when they are shared.
Receiving care isn’t a luxury, as many people think. It’s a necessity. Quite simply, you can’t do it all by yourself. Take advantage of the consistent and reliable aid your support network can offer, and don’t be afraid to reach out if you need more. Those who are close to you can help you regain your balance after a traumatic event rocks your life. Even the little things—a meal prepared, a chore completed—can make a huge difference in your stress level.
Also, keep in mind that sometimes your family and friends may not be the right people to help you. They may be too emotionally involved, or they might not have the expertise you need. Sometimes a pastor, a counselor, or a volunteer who represents a caring organization might be best able to give you the support you need. Remember, the more at peace you are, the better you’ll be able to cherish the time you spend with the loved one for whom you’re caring.
Hospice is for the living. It’s a surprising statement, isn’t it? Most of us associate “hospice” with the final act of dying. The reality, though, is that the dying process can last weeks or even months, and it can pass through multiple stages. Many people fail to realize that hospice facilities often provide support services to patients, caregivers, and family members throughout this journey, long before the patient is “ready” for hospice.
Hospice care is superior, and it provides welcome support that a hospital can’t. For example, when my mother was in the final stages of cancer, she gained new friends in Helen, a volunteer who visited her at home, and in Carol, her nurse. Although Mom no longer had years ahead of her, she was still very much alive—and the relationships she formed with these two wonderful women cheered her up and comforted the rest of us. We knew that Mom had a medical professional who cared about her on call, 24/7.
Working with hospice can also take the responsibility of dealing with practical details off the shoulders of caregivers so that they can focus solely on their loved one. Many hospice facilities provide volunteers who will run errands or provide respite care when family members need a break. Some even provide medications, house calls, and grief counseling. Research what your local hospice offers—don’t overlook this invaluable source of support!
Don’t treat death as a secret. No matter how strong a support network your loved one might enjoy, her inner fears about dying may linger, and it’s important to make sure that they don’t remain unspoken. One of the greatest services a caregiver can offer is identifying those fears and making sure that they are alleviated. For example, these fears might include fear of the process of dying, fear of loss of control, fear of the unknown, and fear that life will have been meaningless.
In addition to talking to your loved one, make sure that affected family members and friends are aware of what to expect as death draws near. By dispelling misconceptions, you will enable everyone to focus on the tasks at hand, and you’ll also help ensure that unnecessary fears of death are not perpetuated.
Talking about your loved one’s impending death and helping him confront his fears about it are difficult, emotional tasks. You might wish to sweep these issues under the rug because they’re so painful, but resist that temptation. Easing the fears of a dying loved one, as well as the fears of family and friends, will ultimately bring the fullest measure of peace and closure.
Anticipate what your loved one needs. As your loved one takes his final journey, he’ll probably need more physical aid than he once did—but his spiritual and emotional needs will be different, too. To ease the burden, don’t just ask what you can do to help. Anticipate it. Those who are ill might be unable to think of or articulate exactly what they need or want, or they might be uncomfortable expressing it.
Your contribution might be preparing meals, vacuuming a neglected house, or coordinating a “driver pool” to assist with transporting a patient to her doctors’ appointments. These practical acts of kindness are some of the greatest gifts you can give.
Don’t underestimate the value of your time, attention, and presence, either. Be sensitive to the desires and fears of the person for whom you’re caring, and treat her as herself, not as someone who is dying. Try to make her final days relaxing, affirming, and reassuring. Listen to her patiently if she wants to talk, and above all, make sure she knows just how important she is to you.
Harness the power of forgiveness. Mental health professionals tell us that the number one inhibitor to finding peace is our inability to forgive. Forgiveness releases the hold the past has on the present, and it acts as a soothing balm to the soul. Perhaps the person for whom you’re caring needs your help and encouragement in reconciling with others. Maybe there are even issues between the two of you that need to be addressed. Don’t hesitate to help restore the lines of communication. Doing so can dispel many of the regrets your loved one may be holding onto, and it can keep anger and resentment from being his legacy.
It’s bittersweet when people wait until they are on their deathbeds to restore a broken relationship. Sweet because a burden is being released, and bitter because it didn’t happen sooner. Ultimately, though, working through disappointing relationships and situations encourages physical, emotional, and spiritual growth. When forgiveness, reconciliation, and love are present, even the fear of death can disappear.
Practice “good grief.” As a caregiver, you know that you will experience a great deal of grief when your loved one passes away. Chances are, you’re experiencing grief already. Don’t try to avoid those feelings, even if you want badly to do so. Instead, learn how to grieve well. “Good grief” does not mean that you won’t feel sorrow and hurt—you will. However, by letting yourself experience the feelings of sorrow, pain, hurt, loss, and confusion that are bound to come, you will be able to embrace life once more with a stronger faith and a renewed sense of purpose. It is important to note, though, that after the initial shock of a terminal diagnosis has worn off, you should try to behave normally around your dying loved one so as not to unfairly burden him. Make sure you have others to help you work through your grief.
I learned the hard way that when you try to stifle grief or hurry it along, you only prolong its sting and confuse yourself. Grief manifests itself in different ways for different people. Express your emotions when they rise up, and be thankful for your tears—they are a blessing because of the love they represent. And remember something that my mother told me when she was dying: “Things will be different from now on, but different doesn’t mean it won’t be better.” Cherish the memories you have, and have faith that you will see your loved ones again.
Always remember, the work that you are doing as a caregiver is sacred. Letting go of someone you love is excruciating, but you can protect yourself from debilitating grief by replacing your fear with new memories. Make them right until the end. Remember what you have learned from those who have died, and cherish the love and the laughter that you shared. Recall and be grateful for the help you received along the way. And finally, know that you have provided a service of inestimable, eternal value.
Learn all you can about drugs and addiction because you never know when this scourge may affect you and yours.
Into each life some rain must fall
But too much is falling in mine
Into each heart some tears must fall
But some day the sun will shine
Some folks can lose the blues in their hearts
But when I think of you another shower starts
If you're a Baby Boomer or even a bit older as I am, you may recognize those lyrics from a song by Ella Fitzgerald and The Ink Spots.
Although written as a torch song of sorts, the words can apply to any of us, for any loss that we've experienced. For me, the song speaks to my personal loss of my son.
On December 2, 2002, at 1:15 in the morning, we received THE PHONE CALL. That phone call that every parent dreads; the call that tells you that your life as you know it is now over. You will never be the same. There is now a huge black hole in your heart surrounded by enough muscle and tissue to keep you breathing and functioning to a certain degree but that's about it.
You go through the motions. Everything you do now is done on autopilot; getting out of bed, dressing, perhaps taking care of other family members, eventually returning to work. You have no desire to do any of these things. You just want to stay in bed, in the fetal position, lights out, with no contact with the outside world, the so-called normal world.
Your world is no longer normal, why should anyone else's be? Why should we have to interact with them? Why should we have to look at their smiling, happy faces - smiles that once adorned our own faces - now replaced by such a sad countenance that nobody wants to look at us?
Who can blame them? Nobody wants to be around sadness and despair. After all, if we get too close, the same thing may happen to us. We may become the person who nobody wants to be near. Yes, we may be the one who lost a child. That thought is so unbearable, so incomprehensible that we try to avoid all contact with anyone who has suffered this most egregious of happenstances.
Our children die from a variety of causes; illness, accidents, suicide, and homicide. When you get right down to it, it doesn't matter that much how our child died, although some situations do seem sadder, but the bottom line is the same - our child is dead. They are gone from our lives. All we have are our memories. As Cicero said - The life of the dead is placed in the memory of the living.
One particular illness, a rampant disease actually, a proven brain disease that is killing our children by the thousands each year is Addiction; drugs and alcohol. In some places death from drugs supersedes death by vehicular accidents, a major killer of kids.
Heroin and cocaine deaths have now been supplanted by deaths from prescription pills. Yes, the meds we keep in our medicine cabinet for legitimate purposes are being stolen by our kids who use them not for medicinal purposes but to get high.
It is my hope that everyone with children or grandchildren reading this will take heed. Keep your prescriptions in a safe place where you know they can't be accessed by others. Moms and grandmoms don't leave your purse lying around if you have your prescriptions in it.
Even if your child has never shown any inclination to do drugs, you still need to be on full alert. This is not the world of yesteryear. This is a new world and unfortunately it's saturated with drugs and amazingly easy accessibility to them. All it takes is that one time for them to satisfy their curiosity, to be coerced into taking your drugs by their friends. Don't be caught looking at the pills in your prescription pill bottle and thinking 'hmmm, I could swear I had X amount of pills left' and then shaking your head thinking you must have miscounted. Always remember this mantra: Good kids do drugs too.
Some startling statistics from 2008 from PATS (Partnership Attitude Tracking Study) show that in 2008, 16% of 12th graders had tried crack/cocaine, 7% had tried heroin and a whopping 27% had tried Rx drugs without a prescription. According to the Partnership for a Drug-Free America 8 million American adolescents and young adults need treatment for drug and alcohol abuse and addiction and 9 out of 10 are not getting the treatment they need. Yet our government has drastically cut drug programs in our schools. Write your state representatives and urge them to put these programs back in school where they're desperately needed.
But we can't depend on the government alone. We, as parents, must take this tiger by the tail and subdue it.
My son was a paramedic and an RN who had the world by the tail. One mistake that he made, doing a line of cocaine given to him by a friend on his 17th birthday, followed him for the next 14 years until death put him out of his misery. Sadly, ours endures.
I urge everyone who reads this to understand that there is no guarantee of the perfect family, the perfect child who would never do drugs. The "not my child' families may find themselves in for a rude awakening one day when they discover their beloved child is indeed doing drugs.
We make investments in ourselves everyday. We give time, or not, to ourselves to meditate, ponder, exercise, eat, communicate, work, play. We are constantly investing ourselves in ourselves, in our lives, our daily actions.
The challenge is sometimes our investments are not that wise, or healthy.
Think of your 'self' as a bank. Everyday you deposit goodies (love, joy, laughter, smiles, happy thoughts,), you can eat good food, consume or create good ideas, take positive actions, make healthy lifestyle choices, and a myriad of good decisions into your bank account. Your investment in your self pays off with a positive bank balance that can weather any storm, any crisis you encounter, including every day withdrawals that deplete your resources of energy, time and money.
Withdrawals come in the form of everyday occurrences such as traffic jams that make you late, bank machines that are 'out of service' when you need them most, an angry partner, a run stocking, a soiled shirt, an empty bottle of shampoo when you are half-way through your shower.
Withdrawals are part of the yin/yang of living. How we handle them is what creates our negative balance. Withdrawals deplete our account when we make negative choices. Unhealthy food choices, binges of anger, jealousy, envy, regret, and a host of other emotions. Un-forgiveness, non-repentance, uncompromising positions that undermine our peace of mind.
Withdrawals can be reversed with 'goody' deposits such as love, joy, laughter, sharing a good time with a friend, acts of kindness, volunteering, etc.
As long as deposits outweigh withdrawals, your bank account is healthy and happy. You are in the black.
Big picture, with your healthy bank account, you trust yourself to be able to maintain your balance. You trust yourself to weather any momentary blips in the economy of self.
In my economy of self, I am teaching myself good financial management of self. That means, maintaining my integrity in everything I do so that I unravel the bad habits that have depleted my bank account in the past.
Like, my favorite, poor eating habits. When I make a choice to eat something I know is unhealthy for me, I am making a withdrawal from my self. I choose what I put in my mouth. I choose what feeds my body. When I choose to negatively impact my body, I am depleting my self of vital, necessary and essential nutrients. I am shifting the balance in the economy of my self to the negative.
When I invest in trusting myself by making positive choices, I am depositing goodies that sustain and create wealth in me. Every time I teach myself that I can trust 'me' to make healthy choices, I strengthen my bottom line and my bottom).
In the past few years, I’ve had an increasing number of young people in their 20’s and 30’s scheduling telephone consultations for help with anxiety. It used to be mostly people in their 50’s and 60’s with this complaint. All their stories are frighteningly identical. My clients are amazed because I can predict what happens next in their story. Besides anxiety, depression and lack of confidence, they also have many physical symptoms like heartburn, sinusitis, muscle spasms, and yeast overgrowth. And they’re swallowing a closet full of medications. But for them, their mental, emotional symptoms are the most distressing. Every physical symptom they have is attributed to their mental state and their doctor just prescribes yet another anti-depressant or anti-anxiety drug.
Here is an extensive list of what can happen to us in our drug-addicted society beginning at birth.
• Vaccinations contain mercury, aluminum, and a host of other toxic components that can include live viral particles given within the first days of birth and throughout childhood for a total of about 32. Given at the time of a cold or fever, a child’s body is especially not able to handle the toxic load.
• Infant thrush (yeast infection in the mouth) is said to be perfectly normal and antifungal drops are prescribed with no attention to the mother’s diet, probiotic intake, or the likelihood that she has Candada albicans (yeast).
• Diaper rash, caused by yeast ismistakenly treated with cortisone creams, whichencourage further yeast growth.
• Childhood ear infections can begin at birth as yeastinfections picked up from the mother during delivery.Most ear infections are treated with antibiotics.
• Chronic ear infections requiringmultiple courses of antibiotics can lead to diarrhea andintestinal yeast infections.
• Anesthetics used in surgery to place tubes in the earsadd another toxin.
• Chronic yeast overgrowth causes body-wide side effects including anxiety, depression, fatigue, irritability, and headaches from the documented 178 yeast toxins.
• Colic can develop due to antibiotic overuse.
• Irritable bowel symptoms can be caused by the inability to digest lactose in milk due to yeast overgrowth.
• Gas and bloating can result from hard-to-digest soyformulas.
• Leaky gut can develop and cause undigested food molecules to be absorbed from the gut into the blood stream leading to food allergies and sensitivities. The most common are wheat and dairy.
• Eczema, aggravated by food sensitivity, is suppressedwith cortisone creams. Cortisone encourages yeast growth.
• Asthma is treated withmedications including corticosteroid inhalers, instead of beginning with the safest treatment, which is magnesium.
• Multiple colds and flus are mistreated with manycourses of antibiotics, yet doctors put no attention on probiotics, proper diet, and food-based, organic supplements.
• Annual flu vaccines contain a mercury preservative that is toxic to the nervous system and also kills good bacteria allowing yeast to overgrow.
• Cravings for sweets can be due to yeast overgrowthand may cause or aggravate hyperactive behavior inchildren.
• Dental cavities lead to multiple mercury amalgamfillings. Toxic mercury vapor may be inhaled orabsorbed, disrupting enzymes in the brain, kidneys, and liver when you chew.
• Allergic reactions are treated with allergy shots,antihistamines, and cortisone sprays.
• Young women can have yeast vaginitis even before puberty, which they’re afraid to tell their mother or doctor about.
• Acne in adolescence is treated with long-term oral antibiotics leading to intestinal symptoms and yeast overgrowth.
• Mononucleosis is common in teens and young adults; up to 20 percent never feel quite as healthy again because it’s often treated with antibiotics and not natural approaches.
• Bladder infections are treated with antibiotics, whichcause yeast infections and yeast overgrowth in the intestines.
• Birth control pills are given to girls because their cycles are irregular or painful due to yeast overgrowth and poor diet. These synthetic hormones can worsen the problem and cause chronic vaginal yeastinfections, which are mistreated with antibiotic creams.
• Pregnancy hormones encourage vaginal yeastinfections. Pregnancy itself depletes the mother’s nutrition, as well as straining the thyroid and the adrenal glands. Post partum depression is often due to hypothyroidism and magnesium and zinc deficiencies.
• Chronic sleep deprivation is common in all parents ofsmall children and is a major stress on the immunesystem.
• Irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) can develop after a bout ofdiarrhea (attributed to traveler’s diarrhea or foodpoisoning) and is usually treated with antibiotics.
• Chronic sinus infections (97 percent are fungal,according to the Mayo Clinic) occur due to loweredimmune system and are mistakenly treated with very strong antibiotics.
• Hypothyroidism is epidemic (due to yeast toxins blocking receptors, lack of iodine, family history, and pregnancy) but remains undiagnosedand untreated.
• Hospitalization for infections or surgery usuallywarrants intravenous antibiotics and a host of otherdrugs, which adds to the toxic burden.
• Severe colds and flus can lead to bronchitis andpneumonia, which are treated with strong antibiotics.
• Chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia are treatedwith anti-inflammatories, sleeping pills, andantidepressants. However, when the cause is a toxic overload, medications can make the symptoms worse.
• Environmental allergies with extreme sensitivities toinhalants - perfumes, colognes, householdproducts, pesticides, and molds are often aggravated yeast overgrowth but are mistreated withcorticosteroid inhalers, which cause more yeast.
• Dysmenorrhea, irregular periods, andPMS occur due to abuildup of toxins and lack of nutrients (especially magnesium).
• Infertility is treated with an array of synthetichormonal drugs producing babies that are born with a toxic load of synthetic drugs.
• Depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and heart palpitations are treated with antidepressants and psychotherapy instead of magnesium and B vitamins.
• Menopause symptoms are made worse with all the preceding stressors and medicated with synthetic hormones.
Vitamins and minerals are depleted at every step of this progressive decline in health and result in a total body burden of drugs and toxins. The end result is an exhausted, nervous, shaky individual who has nowhere to turn and thinks no one can help him or her.
My clients have often consulted with dozens of doctors, but whether it’s an allopathic or a naturopathic doctor, they only look for drug or supplement to treat symptoms. Take another look at the chronology of health to illness and tell me how a drug or supplement is going to make a dent.
What is required is a lifestyle change! I’ve been working in the natural health field for over 30 years and I haven’t found a magic pill or celebrity supplement that will undo a lifetime of stresses. Yet, the body is very forgiving. If you make some small steps to change your diet and begin to exercise, I promise you, your cells will remember why they were created and start improving their function.
If you want to know where to begin – start with your diet by avoiding sugar, wheat and dairy. The next step is to take some magnesium. You can read my book, The Magnesium Miracle for the chapters on anxiety and depression and chronic fatigue. I also have many magnesium articles on my website to get you started. If you would like more detailed information on how to change your lifestyle and improve your health visit my website and sign up for my free newsletter that has tips and techniques for getting healthy and staying healthy. Even better, join my Future Health Now! wellness program*.
*Future Health Now! is an inexpensive series of 48 weekly "consulting sessions in print." Every seven days, I guide you step-by-step on how to add natural practices to your daily routine. Daily consistency will undoubtedly give you the best chance at lasting physical and mental health. http://drcarolyndean.com/futurehealthnow
The sudden, loud creak startled me. I was alone in the house, save for my dog and 2 cats. The dog lying prone on the floor, feet running, chasing some elusive creature in her dreams I guess. One cat happily ensconced on the back of the recliner and the other on the floor attending to her nightly ablutions. They hadn't moved or even lifted a head to investigate the sound. Surely they heard it. Not much escapes an animal's keen senses, especially their hearing.
Oh well, I consoled myself. It's probably just the floorboards creaking in our old nineteenth century farmhouse. But there! There it is again. I hear it with almost every move. Strangely there is still no reaction from the dog and cats. And it definitely is not the floorboards.
As I reach down to pick up Miss Kitty who has now finished her grooming ritual, I hear it again. This time the painful truth slaps me upside my head. This is no ordinary creaking sound. These are not floorboards creaking. Truth be known, the noise isn't even that loud.
But to a woman who has just discovered her newly creaking knee joints, it is a thunderbolt! It screams OLD! And getting old for a woman in our youth-obsessed culture is not something to be dismissed.
I can no longer quickly dismiss the increasing lack of flexibility as just a temporary lapse in my exercise routine. Ok my episodic exercise routine. The gradual loss of strength is due to not eating enough protein...or am I eating too much protein? Maybe too many carbs...maybe not enough carbs? Perhaps too much fat in my diet. No wait, it's the lack of fat. It has to be any one of a number of causes because surely it can't be...old age.
No, no I won't allow this. I will not go gently into that good night. I will fight this aging business tooth and tong. Tomorrow I'll read all the ads for the latest age-defying products and then armed with my newfound knowledge I'll buy every product that claims to turn back the clock, even if it's only for a few hours. After all, in those few hours I might just look fabulous...and young...well younger anyway.
I will positively lose those last five pounds. Well maybe it's 10 pounds, 15 to 20 at the very most, depending on what time of the day it is and how far to the left I can lean on the scale without falling off.
I'll update my hair-do in whatever the latest youthful fashion is, my wardrobe, my shoes, my makeup. With losing those extra 30 or 40 pounds I'm sure I can pull off the belly shirt and low rise jeans look. Can't I? Well high rise jeans and a peasant blouse but jeans for sure. After all they are the hallmark of the young and hip and yep that's me...young and hip...py...hippy...Alright, hippy but young at heart.
I am YOUNG! Can't you hear me? Stop ignoring me. I'm only 30...in my mind, in my heart, in the way I think, in the way I drool over Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp. I'm just like you Miss Young and Perfect Figure and Perfect Skin and Perfect Hair and Teeth With Your Whole Life Ahead of You.
In the work place you hesitate to even interview me for this job that I know I'm just perfect for. You're reluctant to hire me because I'm of a certain age. You wonder how many productive working years I have left so why bother training me.
Well I'm not going to work for a short while and then go out on maternity leave as hilarious a concept as that might be! I'm not going to flit from job to job because I'm anxious to spread my wings and figure out what it is that I want to do with my life. Been there, done that.
Strangely, you don't weigh these options when one of your counterparts applies for a job. You assume that youth means longevity in the work place. It doesn't! Oddly enough, you might get more working years out of a mature woman who's nearing the end of her working career. You'll get loyalty and appreciation, much like the older woman who appreciates the attentions of a younger man.
I'm a loving, caring woman who has value. I also have something that you don't have and you can't get it by being young. It's lifetime experiences, a whole bunch of them. They're what they've made me today. Old and wrinkled and even creaky for sure!
But my thoughts aren't old, they're not wrinkled and they definitely are not creaky. I leave those things to my exterior self, the only part of me that you see. You won't take the time to look deep into these aging eyes. Well OK maybe you can't see them because they're hooded with some excess skin but play along with me here.
Look at me, really look at me, and get to know me. You'll be surprised at what you'll see. You'll see a beautiful mature woman with many years of love and yes, even sorrow, etched on her face. You'll see the reflections of a distant brilliant flame of youth that at one time captivated more than one young man. You'll see a woman who has lived a full life yet still has so much life left to live...if only youth will not step in her way and slam the door shut on her. You'll see a woman who knows the meaning of good manners and decorum. You will see courage because, as Bette Davis purportedly said, "Old Age ain't for sissies." You will see so much in these eyes but mostly, you will see you!
You, in thirty years, fighting to keep your place in the sun. Trying not to be knocked down by some young girl who hasn't learned the value of aging, the many, many lessons to be learned, experiences to be savored, lovers to regret, opportunities lost, career paths not chosen, serendipitous moments that take your breath away.
I never fully appreciated the adage Youth is wasted on the young! I do now. Don't you waste your youth. But please don't knock me down in your enthusiasm to live every moment of it. There is enough space here for all of us, enough opportunities. We're women - we're born nurturers. Let's nurture and nourish each other. Let us gain respect for each other, no matter how old or young we are. Let's go through this journey together. You learning and savoring life from my years of experience and me recapturing some of my youth in your exuberant company.
I want to continue to embrace life. I want to stand in the street like Mary Tyler Moore, huge smile on my face, theme song playing, throwing my beret up in the air as I look to the sky. Of course doing that at my age will probably cause me to lose my balance and go crashing into the street but what the heck. That's another life experience!
I’ve finally figured out the Republicans’ philosophy: If President Barack Obama is in favor of something, it has to be wrong, even if they once believed in it.
Save the economy from collapse by propping up the banks, which former President George W. Bush did to a fare thee well? That’s now socialism. Talk to school children about turning off video games and doing their homework? That’s “creepy” and Orwellian, indoctrinating the young as if they are guinea pigs.
For suggesting that doctors should be reimbursed for end- of-life counseling, something previously supported by Bush and former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, Obama is going to throw grandma from the train.
If the president is for death panels, fat panels can’t be far behind. Not exactly. But grab yourself a Dr Pepper and a Ho Ho and calm down, if that’s possible on a sugar high. Every expert says that health-care reform must address obesity, where medical costs have increased with the national waistline -- up 37 percent since 1998 to $147 billions in 2008.
Those who are overweight spend $600 more a year on drugs. A recent study out of California pinned its budget problems on the $41 billion cost of “obesity and inactivity.”
Yet a broad effort to link obesity and health-care reform has retreated to a modest soft-drink tax, which Democrats tend to favor and Republicans, led by the ranking minority member on the Senate Finance Committee, Charles Grassley, tend to oppose. In the committee, where members snack on chips and Coke during their marathon health-care negotiations, Grassley dismisses a levy on sweetened drinks as a “nuisance tax.” Grassley was the first senator to follow Palin down the death-panel hole and kill end-of-life counseling.
The Thin Man
The politics are dicey for Obama, who is too thin to talk about anyone being too fat. He may have never touched Doritos in his life, rejected anything sweet on the campaign trail, and offers White House visitors an apple instead of a bowl of candy. It’s easy to tag him as just one more elite forcing arugula on those who prefer their Big Macs with a double order of fries.
Obama has left most of the fat talk to his health-care team since the campaign, when he addressed the obesity issue squarely in one debate and said that “if we could go back to the obesity rates of 1980 we could save the Medicare system a trillion dollars.”
In this month’s issue ofMen’s Health magazine he says, “it’s not as if people have to completely transform their lives” or be sent to “boot camp.” In others words, Mr. Thin isn’t telling anyone to diet. His point is that buying fresh vegetables and fresh fruit in supermarkets and getting pizza and tater tots off the school cafeteria menu is an excellent idea.
Flat Tax
A soda tax, he added, at a paltry 3 cents per 12-ounce serving, which would raise $24 billion over the next four years, should be “explored.”
Obama’s head of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Thomas Friedan, is all for it. At a CDC conference on obesity last month, the study most frequently cited was from Health Affairs, a leading peer-reviewed journal on health policy. It concluded that “obesity is the single biggest reason for the increase in health care costs in the United States.”
About a dozen states already have a soft-drink tax to save on medical costs, although an 18 percent surcharge recently proposed by New York Governor David Paterson fizzled.
Be Civil
If health care hadn’t gotten bogged down in insurance reform, we might be able to have a civil conversation about containing costs by reducing obesity. There are parallels between obesity and smoking. Both kill prematurely, although tobacco is purely a choice and being overweight is only partly one as the more corpulent in my family keep telling the more svelte in my family at every holiday meal. Taxes on Marlboros did reduce consumption, and so would taxes on Coca-Cola.
What’s more, the tax would just be a drop in the bucket compared with the subsidy for high-fructose corn syrup. The syrup is used to sweeten the likes of Mountain Dew, a soft drink that costs about the same as a gallon of milk, never goes sour and thus is the drink of choice in Appalachia, where there’s an epidemic of rotten teeth.
One political problem is that the tax on sweets would fall disproportionately on the poor. An array of perversities make it cheaper to eat badly than well. A dollar can buy 875 calories of soda or 1,200 calories of potato chips but just 250 calories of vegetables or 170 calories of fresh fruit, according to a study in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition.
Stages with the most obesity are among the poorest -- Mississippi, Alabama and West Virginia. They are also the states most likely to be hostile to government intruding on something as personal as dinner. Posting calories on a restaurant menu, as New York City now does, would get you run out of town in Biloxi, Mississippi.
In the thousands of words in Obama’s speech last night, nowhere did he mention the real elephant in the room. He left $147 billion and America’s fat people alone.
Fallish morning. Crisp. Bright sunlight low on the horizon, edges diffused, streaming into gold tinged white. Apples reddening on the tree. Hints of yellow and gold in the hedge. Brilliant reds and orange in the flower beds. Stillness. Calm.
Fall is my favorite time of year. It is a time of surrender. Of letting go of summer's bright red bloom into the cool, crisp promise of quiet time to come. It is a time of color. Of bounty. Of harvest. Of rendering all that was created in summer fields into stock pots and canning jars. It is a time to give thanks. I love fall. Not for the loss of foliage but rather, for its celebration of color and its promise of quiet time to hunker down and curl up in the dark nights to come.
Over the past few weeks I've watched the crab apples on the tree outside my window progress from tiny green nuggets into bright green and now golden with a blush of red fruit. The transformation of the tree did not happen over night. It has been a slow and steady process. A minute by minute, step by step progression.
Like healing. From heartbreak. Loss. Failure. Illness. Well-being doesn't come in one fell swoop. It takes time. Step by step. Minute by minute progression.
So often, when the wound is fresh, we forget that pain eases. Scars heal. So often we fall into the trap of believing, 'This will never pass. This will never change. This will be forever.' So often we become attached to this moment, connected to this pain forgetting that, now is not forever. This too shall pass.
Change is here to stay. One moment, the apple tree is devoid of foliage. And then, it blossoms out in a gradual display of tiny green buds exploding into a folly of white and pink blossoms.
Centuries ago, Heraclitus wrote, "Nothing endures but change."
Are you resisting change?
Are you clinging to what was in fear of what can be when you let go of your believing, 'now is forever'?
This morning I awoke and realized, I had gone to bed last night without taking any pain killers. I had slept without any pain in my foot. It is a first since having surgery just over five weeks ago. There were times when I wondered if my foot would ever feel better again. When I worried that the pain would never disappear and I would become a cranky old lady constantly tired out from never being able to sleep through the pain.
And then, it was gone. The pain. Sure, I can feel the scar. Feel the healing. But the pain, that constant sharp fissure of razor-blade like edginess that was stealing my sense of humor, is gone. And while it felt like it happened overnight, in reality it was a slow, steady progression of healing. Step by step. Minute by minute.
Healing requires patience. It requires giving up on control and giving into the process of letting time and quiet and new growth the opportunity to bloom. No matter the pain, there is always hope of re-growth when we let go of forcing ourselves to hold onto what is hurting us the most. What has caused us the pain. What has made us unhappy.
Change endures. In its coursing through our lives, its our choice in what we create of change, in how we weather its passing.
Will it bring more, or less, of what we want in our life?
Co-dependency! A word that I wish had never entered my vocabulary - or life. But it did, starting back in 1988, when my youngest son was 17 years old. The malignancy - his addiction and my co-dependency - grew over the next 14 years until his death put an end to his suffering and abruptly halted my co-dependency.
I think most of us who love an addicted person are co-dependent to one extent or another. Also a lot of us are enablers. I am embarrassed to admit that I was so co-dependent while my son was struggling with his disease, and yes, we did enable him, that I was almost as sick as he was, perhaps more so.
Enablers enable usually out of much love for the addicted person and the belief that they will save the person by enabling, whether this is calling in sick for them at work, or giving them money and paying their bills, or whatever. My co-author in my first book and a contributor to my second book is Heiko Ganzer ,LCSW, CASAC who offers enormous insight into enabling.
I only wish I had truly known all about addiction, co-dependency and enabling while my own son was struggling. Could I have saved him? Probably not, but I would have had a better understanding of the torment that he was going through.
While my son was struggling to beat the addiction, we had many fights. Mind you, my son and I had an extremely close bond. He always told people that I was his best friend. But the addiction got in the way of our loving relationship many times.
I was devastated by his drug use and lived in constant fear that I would lose him. Frustrated, he would say "Mom this is not about YOU. It's about ME. I'm a drug addict and will have to fight this for the rest of my life." I would tell him "No, no Scott. You're smart and you're strong, you can beat this. You are not an addict."
I was in such denial. I just could not accept that my son suffered from something that he could not control. My every waking moment was spent worrying about him, waiting for his phone calls, worrying when the phone would ring, worrying when the phone would not ring. I was Queen of the Co-Dependents. It was my life. It was my sickness. But it was a sickness borne out of love for my son. I could not, and would not, give up on him.
It's very easy to admonish people not to be co-dependent. Would that it were that easy to stop being co-dependent. Nancy Reagan's famous mantra to drug and alcohol addicted people, "Just Say No" could just as easily be applied to co-dependents. Sounds simple. Just Say No. Again, would that it were that easy.
As moms we are nurturers. It's our instinct to do all that we can to save our child. Sometimes in trying to save them, we just add more fuel to the fire. Although we may realize this on some intellectual level, it's the emotional level that does us in. In our own misguided way we will do whatever we can, whatever it takes to try to save our child.
Ultimately, the only thing that stopped my co-dependency, was the unbearable loss of my son at age 31. His suffering has ended. Ours endures.
There has just occurred, in America, where Health Care reform is spinning out of control, a significant reflection of how greed triumphs over patriotism, how cupidity replaces honesty, and how, in the final analysis – it is every man for himself and the devil take etc….
The Health Care “change” is like a satellite in space gone berserk. Gone is the measured pace of change with its predictable route and final fulfillment. (In must interject: above I have used “its” which is the possessive form of the article “it.” On no less a site than MSNBC, there was a political statement about health care which used the word “its.” Even NBC seems incapable of being grammatically correct. They put in an apostrophe – which is the contracted fo0rm of “it is.” What is our world coming to?)
Now I am getting silly!
It looks very much like Obama is caving in. He is wilting under pressure. He is, in the most stupefying turn of character, actually trying to say that the “public option” is just a small piece of the puzzle. If you check all the statements the President has made through the last several weeks. “public option” is utterly dominant. He was emphatic that the private insurance companies were no longer going to have their way. It looked like he could win. He gave up. Between the dissidents in his own party, running scared for 2010, the rigid Right-wing of the Republican party, the hooters and hollerers who shout down civil discourse at Town Hall Meetings, and his own fear of being labeled “Socialist” – he has mortified his supporters and left the promise of change in shambles.
This about face is so archetypically American It is so ideologically driven. It is so much a reflection of the need to have “less government,” whatever that means.
When Obama spoke about his plan (which he said could exclude public option) there we people attending who – in the spirit of the 2nd Amendment, came to the meeting with visible guns, even one with an automatic rifle strapped to his back! While the President pleads hopelessly for decency, Internal Revenue has name FIVE THOUSAND AMERICANS (!) who have cheated the tax department by sending money offshore and to Swiss banks. The same people who rail that any new “Socialist” system of health care can’t be paid for are themselves avoiding taxes by brazenly sneaking money out of the country. (We should not be smug about it. Hordes of Canadian wealthy dodge taxes by sending profits offshore.)
This screed from me is perhaps a little shrill. But it no more shrill than the grotesque inconsistencies of a failing health care plan played against a background of terror and greed.
Through this preposterous maze of duplicity, I smile as I remember Brian Mulroney saying that Health Care was a “sacred trust.” The Obama about face will give courage to Canadians who think of system doesn’t work.
Be an inspirational leader. Business will always be about meeting the deadline, closing the deal, finishing the project, and growing the business. But if your work life is nothing more than the single-minded pursuit of wealth, recognition, and accomplishment, you will wake up one day and find that something is still missing. After all, it is people who matter most. True success is not just about achieving your dreams. It’s about helping those around you reach theirs, too.
Challenge yourself. As we reach middle age and beyond, our tastes generally mature. They become more refined. We give up comic books and pulp fiction for history and literature. We play bridge, gin, or poker rather than Crazy Eights or Old Maid. We may prefer a single malt scotch or glass of Sauvignon Blanc to a Budweiser (unless, of course, there’s a game on). In short, we begin to enjoy the challenge and mental exercise of more difficult pleasures. It’s part of growing up, realizing your potential, and becoming who you are. Aside from the sheer enjoyment of tackling more challenging pastimes, studies show that exercising your mental faculties helps prevent the onset of mild depression, dementia, and other mental disabilities. So get those brain cells moving.
Become a self-actualizer. Maslow defined self-actualization when he said, “A musician must make music, an artist must paint, a poet must write, if he is to be ultimately happy. What a man can be, he must be. This need we call self-actualization.” From his research, Maslow distilled 16 characteristics that epitomize the self-actualizing individual. They include openness to experience, empathy, creativity, resistance to enculturation, and awareness of imperfections.Self-actualization is not simply a goal. It is a philosophy of life, a continual striving, a process of development. You achieve this by shunning the safe, the comfortable, the routine—and instead seeking opportunities for growth.
Start crossing off things on your bucket list. We all have obligations, true. But life can’t just be about pleasing your parents, your boss, your spouse, and your children. It has to be about more than meeting your quota, making the mortgage, picking up the kids, and socking something away for a rainy day. Of course, the reason for a bucket list is to get away from what someone else wants and finally do what you want. It helps you to set goals and put deadlines on achieving your dreams. It helps you focus your time and energy and shape and set your priorities. So what’s the process? According to my research—which includes nearly 20 minutes of digging around online—here’s how to create and manage your bucket list:
1. Make your goals realistic and achievable.
2. Put your list in writing and review it regularly.
3. Don’t be reluctant to change or modify it.
4. Planning is not optional. After making your list, decide exactly how and when you intend to get there.
5. Cross off each item as you achieve it.
6. If you live long enough, repeat.
Become the best version of yourself. We all have weaknesses that need attention.
But we also have personal strengths. Some of us are built to pursue excellence in athletics. Others have a great aptitude for science or mathematics. Maybe the important thing for you right now is to become the best parent, spouse, son, or daughter you can be. Whatever it is, embrace it. Find purpose, meaning, and direction in your life by committing to becoming the best version of yourself. Where your unique talents intersect with the world’s needs, there you will find your mission.
Stop to smell the roses. Most of us promise ourselves that one day, not too long from now, we’ll slow down. We’ll spend more time with our family. Enjoy a lazy day out with friends. Or just take a walk alone on the seashore. If you’re one of the millions who has often deluded himself this way, it’s time, once and for all, to stop and smell the roses. Take that trip with your family. Read that book. Work less, play more. Enjoy life.
Don’t trust your every snap judgment. In Blink, Malcolm Gladwell points out that our “adaptive unconscious” is constantly making assessments about people and situations in just a matter of seconds. He argues that these snap judgments are not just good, but extraordinary. For example, he cites a study showing that college students can watch short film clips of professors lecturing and rate them as accurately as students who spend an entire term with them, even when the clips are only two seconds long.
But based on my own experiences, I tend to disagree. How many times have you made a new acquaintance, thought you knew them, and then one day discovered they were not the person you thought they were? How many times have you been badgered, cajoled, or dragged to an event that turned out to be a lot more fun than you imagined? In making snap judgments, we often shortchange our friends, our family, our coworkers, even ourselves. We miss the opportunity for new experiences and relationships. And, more often than not, we are completely unaware of it.
Take the 21-Day “No Complaining” Challenge. We all complain. About the weather, about work, about family, about traffic, the list could go on and on. There’s nothing wrong with expressing dissatisfaction. After all, dissatisfaction is the mother of progress. The key is how you express yourself. You can bellyache about how bad things are. Or you can motivate those around you by describing how much better things will be when a bad situation is improved.
That’s why I invite you to take the 21-Day “No Complaining” Challenge. Visit the website, www.AComplaintFreeWorld.org, and order two purple “Complaint Free” bracelets, one for yourself and one for someone you love. Begin wearing the bracelet on either wrist. When you catch yourself complaining, gossiping, or criticizing, move the bracelet to the other wrist and begin again. Stay with it until you can go 21 days without a complaint. This is tougher than it sounds. So far, more than 5 million people have ordered the bracelets. The average person reports needing 4 to 8 months to go a full 21 days without complaining.
Get a prescription for the cheapest and best medicine…laughter. Laughter is a workout for your diaphragm, as well as your respiratory and facial muscles. Laughter relaxes us, connects us to others, and enhances our ability to fight disease. So lighten up. Yes, the economy is bad. And you may have more than your fair share of personal problems, too. But as George Bernard Shaw pointed out, “The world does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.”
Spend more time in the great outdoors. The typical American now spends 25 percent less time in nature than they did in 1987. This is unfortunate for a couple of reasons. Number one, it’s hard to imagine people feeling strongly about conserving our natural heritage if they can’t be bothered to get outside and enjoy it. Second, scientists say that getting out of our everyday artificial environment promotes mental health. And really, how can you put a value on a few hours in the woods with nothing pressing to do and nowhere in particular to be? The combination of exercise, fresh air, and solitude is unbeatable. And it’s invigorating.
Point a camera and he will come. That’s President Barack Obama’s attitude since returning from a world tour to find his plan to overhaul the U.S. health- care system in need of resuscitation.
Just this week, Obama has talked to Katie Couric, Jim Lehrer , the Today Show and to a nationwide audience with a prime-time press conference that some networks initially resisted airing and atown-hall meeting in Ohio.
Part of the trouble is of the president’s own making. While he was in Moscow, chief of staff Rahm Emanuel smelled the fear of Democrats on the Hill at bucking the insurance industry and said the White House wasn’t wedded to the idea of setting up a government-run plan to compete with the companies. That was the one previously essential element of Obama’s proposal.
The president walked that back, but the toothpaste didn’t go back in the tube. Republicans smelled compromise. Insurers, who would rather set fire to the Capitol than face government competition, felt giddy. The rest of us should be worried.
The problem with being open to another “path,” as Emanuel put it, is that there isn’t one. Here’s the good news about the gaggle of proposals to fix health care: Every last one is better than what we have now. If the two parties can’t reach an agreement any other way, they could pin them all to a wall and settle the matter with darts and a blindfold. Any plan they hit would be a big step up from the status quo.
Public Option Critical
There’s a catch: If Congress enacts and Obama signs into law a bill that includes a mandate that everyone have insurance -- the provision common to every major proposal -- but leaves out a public option, we are toast.
The public option means you wouldn’t have to be very old or very poor to get insurance from the government, as you do now. It would give the previously uninsured and those for whom it is a financial burden a place to go. We’d keep the basic system we have but add an option for the middle class to get coverage through the government.
Because the government administers health care for far less than do private companies, a public option would almost certainly mean instant price relief that insurers would fail to match at their peril.
It’s easy to see why the insurers are opposed, and hard to see why anyone else would be. Yet the industry may have the votes to kill the public option without resorting to arson.
Bankrupt Anyway
Such a bill would do exactly what the Congressional Budget Office says it will, bankrupt the country. But the current system is doing that anyway. The reason you can pick a bill in a blind dart game and be sure of doing the right thing is simple: If you are going broke either way you might as well do so in better health.
Passing only an individual mandate is health-care reform that drops the part about reform and embraces the part about insurers getting a virtual monopoly on health care. Let’s call it the Insurance Company Protection Act.
No wonder Karen Ignagni. president of America’s Health Insurance Plans, or AHIP, has called off Harry and Louise, that whining couple who fretted over Hillarycare in a multimillion- dollar ad campaign 15 years ago. Insurers, along with hospitals and drugmakers, are thrilled by the prospect of 50 million new customers forced into their arms by the government.
Eagerly Making Concessions
The industry is so anxious to have the government require coverage that it’s ready to give up some beloved quirks in its business model, like insuring mostly those unlikely to make a claim. With the prospect of a risk pool full of the young and healthy, they’ll agree to cover those with pre-existing conditions without charging them prohibitively more. They’ll also agree to end higher premiums for women, previously justified by their indulgent practice of preferring to have babies in a costly hospital setting.
That may be insurance reform; it’s not health-care reform. It’s an insurance bonanza and, of course, they’ll make a few changes to get it.
The only thing troubling the insurance lobbyists is the prospect of a public option. Its devious purpose, say insurers, is to put them out of business.
They argue there is already competition. There isn’t. Many cities are dominated by a single insurer. Hundreds of companies have merged over the last decade. And with little pricing pressure, premiums are rising faster than incomes.
